Hey

I w thinking about how I assess my worth or worthiness is society.

It’s not by thinking how well I fit into a conventional job; role; yk, whether I can do it, whether I can climb the ladder or whatever.

It’s about what I am rly good at; w is the business. This is w makes me feel like I have value.

And I’m kinda wondering about self worth and what it is. Is it merely the opinion that I am able to do good at some kind of employment.

When I look around me at the world I see value everywhere. Is this merely bc I see value w|i myself. Is it just a reflection of that outward and into the world.

Or am I only able to see the value in the world around me bc I have that ability w|i myself to survive in society and be happy.

What I am seeing is peoples’ happiness, the fact that people are surviving; the fact that the world is an abundant place; that there are so many people just doing good.

I w say that the reason Ima see other people doing good is bc I am able to do good myself, that is true.

I remember back in the nineteen ninetees. I w working on a production line. All around me I c see abundance; in the front gardens of the houses in Bifield where I lived.

This w make me so happy, to see that other people were happy. I felt happy too inside, like I w able to have a good life.

Back in those days a massive house was only six times my wages. It rly w an era where anything w possible.

Life w full of promise.

The way things have gone I’m actually super lucky. Had my life gone right, I don’t feel that I w be able rn to feel my feelings. I feel that I w have lost all that.

I’m discovering the world around me; seeing that the same reality that I enjoyed back then, the feeling that everyone w going good… This is same world that I live in today.

Those feelings are still there; that vibe is still there. You see, feelings don’t go away.

Ik that it is harder now, tho feelings are something intrinsic to the human experience, they w always be around.

I feel that had I gone the way of my life going right, I w be a bad person rn. I’ve seen others who have just atrophied with age, and withered; in the… Their ability to feel the world around them.

I look at older people on Netflix, like the main characters’ parents; and I see that they are not in reality.

Maybe I am not in reality either, tho Ik that it is there.

The ability to feel that the world is a place of great abundance, that is w|i me, and I’m waiting for it to come out.

At the moment it only feels like it is for a few. I have my blinkers on to how other people feel inside. They are as satisfied as they ever were; I just can’t see it.

This doesn’t matter to me. I feel happy anyway. I am able to survive in this world very well, and I have my self esteem. my feelings are all there. I lay on my settee and I feel totally real, I am happy.

Getting all the toxic people out of my life w the best thing I ever did. There w this post on Tumblr that said something like being alone rly is the level up. This is one hundo the fact.

Ever since I stopped being around people who devalued the f out of me, to be real, I have just bloomed and blossomed and become full in my feelings.

So feel is to be alive. Being dead is no fun, especially when it is bc of people devaluing me.

And Those Are My Thoughts For The Day

Kirsty