Hey

I’m still struggling w feeling that people are threatening me.

This makes me feel horrible; as they may feel hurt to k this is how I feel, super hurt actually.

Tho I must feel it.

The only way to getting to k that they are not doing this is to just allow the feelings in.

That’s how I get rid of feelings that people are being hateful to me; completely, and no longer think that that is w they w doing.

I have stifled my feelings all my life, refused to feel even the tiniest feeling. I literally need to strengthen the part of my mind that feels feelings so that I don’t feel hurt like this all the time.

I have well been kicked out of work. I’ve covered all that tho. Tho it means that I must be very careful to not leave myself w|o social connection.

I rang the Samaritans yesterday. She w super helpful in telling me to never feel shame for feeling my feelings, and that w I w feeling w coming from negativity.

Tho I feel I must feel the negativity to make it go away; allow in the feeling that Ima die.

I need to grow up. I need to become an adult so that Ima take care of myself. I feel so scared all the time that someone w take advantage of me.

I told my boss, she said to not talk to strangers; the same thing someone w say to a little girl.

Tho growing up is something that I don’t want to do. I want to stay a kid and have my youth.

I must be brave and continue to go out; regardless of the feeling that somone w try and take advantage of me.

Paradoxically I must put myself in this position to learn about people; and get that ability to discern.

My biggest fear, like I say, is for people to think that I believe that they are saying horrible things about me. Ik how much they care about me.

It’s hard to feel these things about them, super hard, tho like I said above I must, again, so that the feelings stop.

It literally w a choice. I c say to myself let G judge them for their judgement, and not judge at all.

Tho ironically this w not erase the feeling that they are doing this, it w just prevent me getting ripped.

The goal is for me to realise that they didn’ t mean it that way, Idc if I rip.

I just don’t want to be a horrible person who thinks horrible things about people.

I just have faith that I w grow out of this; just like I grew out of people pi me the hell off w rude hand movements on the bus, and feeling that n’as just wanted to paint me racist.

The first has always been a problem for five years; the second w a problem for about two.

This third thing w take time; also.

Tho it is a long battle that I must fight. I must win this. I must become the person I want to be.

Luckily I’m happy w who I am now. People seem to like me, and be attracted to me; it’s just for the sake of improving my life.

When I w younger I never felt this way, and that is why I want to get back to that. Ik it feels good; Ik I w be @ peace.

To Personal Growth

Kirsty