My mom took her hand or the blanket and smothered it over my mouth, bc I c see that there w something w w her, I feel
She held it there for long enough for me to k that I w lose my life unless I forgot that she w defective, and evil; I feel.
The it gets worse. I feel she stared at me for like and hour to make sure that she had erased all empathy from my brain.
At that point I w an oaf; a role that I w live my whole life under; given brain damage by the abuse, I feel
My awareness had been destroyed as had been my memory, both critical functions of my mind, I feel.
Had I been aware I w have been a threat to her, I feel. Had I remembered the abuse, I w be a threat to her, I feel
l feel that is why I get triggered when people with ASBD keep raising their hand to their head out of discomfort around me; and also when they blatantly stare at me.
It’s bc, I feel, that these were behaviours that she used to destroy my memory and my awareness.
In other news
I have a friend who w gaslight my feeling that I w smothered.
I don’t like this as she shouldn’t be able to tell my story as she simply wasn’t there.
I feel like I’m fighting for my life bc I’m unable to show any boundaries to anyone. I can’t survive w|o them.
I feel super threatened by her rn.
I seek out younger people bc they don’t have a culture of gaslighting. I need these people in my life; to heal.
I just wanna be able to stand up for myself, and stand in my power.
This is a constant theme, me worring that I can’t survive bc I have not boundaries and can’t tell people no.
The only boundary I have is to eject people from my life; tho I feel this puts my life in danger.
So this is where I am in my life; feeling that I am unable to let anyone into my life, bc they all gaslight me when I try to heal.
Loneliness is putting me in danger.
To Figuring Things Out
Kirsty
Miss K 