Hey

I’m going through something rn. I feel like I’m being abused. I’m asking myself should I be following G’s commandments, are they good for me.

I feel it may be the abuse of maybe being smothered as a baby; like there is some huge psychological damage in me… That is holding me back from healing now that I am so close.

I am aware that pathological narcissists never ever heal, in most cases. Tho I am not a narcissist, I feel that the abuse w so bad that I feel like Ima be killed for healing.

I feel that when that hand came down over me, and sucked the air out of me; if it did… That it w me being told that if I ever felt empathy and happiness, I w be killed; if I ever felt emotions, I w be killed.

I feel it’s a message I just can’t shake off. I’m at the point of healing and it feels like I w lose my life.

And I’ve been asking myself, I don’t want to die, should I be doing this.

I’m also asking myself about the people in this town. Maybe it is this town that is making me feel this way.

Tho I suppose I live here so Ima just deal w it. I feel that I need to get out so that I don’t die.

I wonder if I only loved it here bc I w narcissistic; or if it genuinely is a lovely place.

I remember the people I gravitated to. My two friends were grandiose; their parents were anyway. One of them openly said that she felt I w common.

I think of the place where I work. I feel that I always feel less than; like my boss and her colleague feel sure that they are better than me. It’s pathological and never changes

Maybe everything w change when I get a new job; my whole outlook.

That is why voluntary work is offered to people like me, to change my outlook; tho where I am working if fully destroying it, I feel; that being why I still have that need in me that needs to be filled w a healthy outlook.

I’ve been journaling for hours trying to figure out whether continuing to heal is putting my soul in danger.

Maybe I’m just affected by the things that people say. This girl on the bus said that someone jumping off the bridge w a J worshipper. This made me scared to follow his commandments. Two other girls were also saying it.

I wonder if people who make statements in the bus are only doing it for narcissistic supply; and this is my main source of information as I don’t have any contact w people… Apart from the Samaritans

I feel that this means that it carries more weight than it should, especially if they are bad people.

It feels like to me, that people in this town are all pathological narcissists, every one of them. When I talk to the Samaritans they seem totally different, like a different species.

I can’t get my head round this, it just feels like people here are bad.

Tho I remember this place as being truly lovely.

I suppose what I’m saying is is that I need the answer. I can’t just walk away and leave. I need to complete on finding out if this place is as lovely as I remember it, as it truly w just gorgeous.

W is me that w gorgeous; and if I don’t find the answer to this question w I never realise the gorgeousness in me, will it be lost forever.

Ima be real w you. I feel I find that gorgeousness and I w never grow old, never ever not feel gorgeous ever again.

To Being Gorgeous

Kirsty