Hey

I have actually been okay.

It w hard. It w the hardest thing I have done. I just w wigging the f out to the max.

Not having anyone in my life w just horrible. I w judging and worrying and it w hell.

Tho one thing changed; I tidied up my place. This changed everything and all of a sudden it w such a pleasure to be in w nothing to do and no one to see.

Just laying there feeling my feelings, gave me a real chance to feel some peace.

I held space for the business. I accepted that I w there. It’s just a matter of time and I w have a rly nice amount of money.

I got to thinking about remote work. I have fifteen hours in the week to work, so if I do ten, then that gives me leeway to do a little on the business.

Tbh I have not been doing anything on it, if anything. I have just been waiting to be approved for the offer and have been refusing to do any; as this w send me on a tangent into rabbit holes and all kinds of looking at other ways of making money and finding new offers and it w just take all my energy that I should be spending just concentrating on the actual thing that I am doing rn.

So I just sit and I do nothing; that’s why five hours to do that each week should be enough.

Then Ima go down the co working space and make some friends. There’s a rly nice one and I wanna f hard tho it costs like two fifty per month, so I actually need the job to be able to afford it; and then I will just have like one fifty to take home at the end of the month.

I kinda like being on my own; it’s nice. I feel my feelings more strongly when I am not around other people. Like I say I feel a sense of real peace.

I have not been judging as well. I think this is why I have been able to feel okay.

I had a trip into negativity; w w fuelling my pain and torturing myself w the feelings that I w feeling, so much so that I just felt like I couldn’t take it anymore.

I w on the phone to a girl @ the Samaritans; and she w telling me that it w all bc of my negativity. Praise be to me being open minded enough to just let that nugget in and instantly realise where I w going w.

I rang the Samaritans for ten minutes today before the call dropped. Tomorrow is another day.

I realise that I don’t have to do anything whatsoever. The business is mine, I just need to wait and it w solve everything. Like I say, maybe the only thing, way, Ima improve my life is by going to a co working space and just being around other people.

J’s commandments rule. This rly is the life that I w w to live.

I wish I’d concentrated on fw people sooner; tho I let myself off one hundo bc I had been triangulated all my life to feel totally worthless and there w too much healing to be done to go anywhere near feeling like I w worthy enough to fw anyone, or even several friends.

To Friends

Kirsty