Hey

I went to the social group.  It wasn’t on tho; bc no one had been attending; so I w given a whole bunch of other groups that were on, including one that is tomorrow, w I w go to.

There is also something on on Wed, w is super nice, so I am quite happy.

I have anxiety rn, w is quite common when I wake up.  I feel this is bc I w smothered as a baby.  I always wake up in a great deal of stress and distress.

I must do grounding techniques as soon as I wake up to avoid spiralling into panic.

Rn I feel that my family is evil, as evil as anyone who does the most heinous things.

I suppose that it is shame.  Where does the shame go.  Well it can only go on to where it actually belongs.  It has to go on those who are responsible for the shame that I feel.

I think that’s the thing about therapy.  There always has to be someone to transfer that self hate onto; and there always is.

I say beware of those who claim to be protecting you from someone, those are evil people.

So, mission accomplished.  I have found things to do.  It w hard, it w super hard, tho now I have lots of ways to make social connections.

There is also a church that offers a lot tho Idk where it is; they have stuff on all the time.

Orton rly is a nice place w warm welcoming people; I like it there.

This is a discovery that has been super pleasant, finding this town cold and heartless mainly, Orton is the opposite.  I grew up there and k now why I felt it w such a nice place.

There were so many places where I felt feelings of such warmth.

Due to having parents with ASBD I feel, I c never accept peoples’ warmth.  Instead I found it in places.

That’s the thing about a schit.  It prevents the child from forming a proper reality, balanced with things that shine a bad light on the care givers.

Starved of feeling warmth from people, I w left w finding such warmth and happiness in places that gave my heart much joy at times.

Now I am able to see that warmth in people, as I did at the library, being aware of how much the people cared about my loneliness and did so much to help.

Where as in town library the people are cold and lifeless and do not care.

I hope to find this warmth in the people I meet at the clubs.  Tbh I should go to Orton for all my clubs bc of how warm the people are tho this is not likely as they might not have so many activities on. 

The Goldhay Centre might be nice tho.  It is where I grew up and I remember it being so nice, again a place, not a person; tho that warmth is there and I wish to feel it, and eventually feel it in people.

I’m a little scared, to care about people.  Ik the only way to achieve this is to have them care about me.  This I have never experienced, it w be totally new.

Maybe then I w have proper secure attachment and no longer have a heart so cold.  Maybe then also I w want to move out of this town as I rly will see it as cold as it rly is.

I need to see people as they rly are and to be able to call them out on being cold instead of feeling like I am the problem.

I am not surprised that I w homeless for four night just bc I w locked out of my home, these people are quite evil.

I have seen the evil of them for a long time, now it is time to see the warmth.

It has been a long time coming.  This I must do quickly as I don’t take my life for granted and want to feel this while I am alive.

Should I miss out on this it w be so tragic, to never have felt real warmth in a person, spoken to them and found them to be fully human.

This is my goal.  I pray that I feel this for someone.

I must let this be my motivation for going to the club today.  I must take it seriously.  Before it w bc I needed people in my life.  I needed them so that I didn’t go crazy and hurt myself.

Now it has become my life’s mission to shake of the arctic cold that has been forced on me from birth; from that initial smothering, I feel, literally taking the life from me.

I want it back, and in defiance of the evil of my abuser, I feel, and love for myself must take this huge leap, back to being a human being; brought back to life from a dead creature.

That is what I seek, life; life in me and life in others, stepping out of a world so cold it’s not even worth being in it; where no one cares and no one wants any kind of closeness or even conversation, to give me time of day.

It hurts to be me right now as what I feel is that people w give me nothing and that I w always be totally alone.  This is super tragic in a world of seven billion people.

To be in a world and yet not in it, not part of it.  I feel like I have been thrown out of the world.  No wonder I had failure to launch as a teenager.  Launch into what, who w want to be part of that.

Now I have a world that I want to be part of.  Or at least I w w that world opens up to me stretching out it’s loving arms and embracing me back into life itself; home and safe, from a lifetime of searching for w w missing in me, an empty heart, hoping to feel any kind of life w~i me, any kind of feelings.

Totally dead inside I lived every day in the agony of feeling nothing, just wanting to feel alive, years decades spent like this, every moment the agony of the attempt to feel, and the feeling of being rejected by my own feelings.

This has all been so hard, in a town so cold.  Probably the hardest place in the country to being trying to win my heart back.

To Warmth

Kirsty