Hey

Here we are again

Maybe Hitchin; is where I w move to; Idk

Problem is is that the only train to get into London from there is the Peterborough train that is full of rude people.

I can’t use the H word tho I absolutely can’t live here any longer.

Every time I go out, people are trying to tear me up with their abrupt body language; and there is nobody here who has a soul, I feel.  Making friends is just not doable.

I can’t even write about them the way I would like as the whole town w turn on me I feel; I’m scared.

I contacted the tax people, and I don’t have to do my taxes by the deadline; w is super good, as I’m rly stressed out w it.  Ima just create my landing page and get to promoting my offer.

It rly is getting the f out of here that is my motivation for all this.  The moment I started working on myself I noticed that people were having a problem w me and that it w everyone.  I feel the culture of this town is pathological narcissism and they just writhe with narcissistic injury when they are around me.

Their only defence I feel is to attack me with abrupt body language that rips me up, never ending throwing their hand to their head, again and again and again the whole time.

 I feel public transport is not doable as the culture is actual rudeness.  There’s no way of getting from a to b w~o getting ripped up.

Just everywhere I go people seem dead inside and I can’t take it anymore.  There seems to be a pathological empathy problem.

I’m dying inside as long as I stay here.  I have to get out, to save my mental health.

My flat is a mess, and the only reason this is so I feel is bc of how I’m struggling w the people here.  I just feel gaslit for having worked on myself and feel them pulling me down every time they even look at me; yet alone sit next to me for a short while on public transport.

I can’t take this sh anymore I rly can’t.  It’s that bad.  Ima go crazy if I don’t get out.

Having worked on myself and become someone of value; there’s like this friction here like they just can’t handle me now I feel, and it’s killing me.

It feels like they are just trying to push me the f down even if they are people I ride past on my scooter, the way they look at me.  As I am coming past them it feels like they have a problem.

I’m screaming inside, somebody help me.  The only one who can save me is me and that is exactly what I must do.

It’s all on me.  I am the only one who can help me.

I feel so gaslit as how can it be the whole town that is f up.  A it is everyone in this whole town against me w feels devaluing.  B how the f can I be in the right when it is everyone against me.  It seems insane to think that the whole town is in this blather.

Just the thought that it is every single person in the town, my mind can’t accept it; and that is why I feel gaslit and have to get out; it is destroying my self esteem.

Idk where to go.  The good news is that anywhere in the whole country is better than here I feel.  I accept that this is happening to me and that I have to deal with it or be miserable for the rest of my life. 

Now is my chance, I have to act.  This is my once in a lifetime window to get the f out.  My self esteem may not be as high as this in the future.  I feel the whole town is pathologically narcissistic and that means that there is the real threat of people pulling me down and destroying it, completely.  I’m scared, I want rid the threat, I feel.

It’s shocking me w I am writing here; to the bone; that this is my reality, that this is w I am dealing w.  Again, I just feel so gaslit, the hardest thing is to validate what I am experiencing.  Tho if I don’t I am stuck here.  Please, I’m scared of ending up a pathological narcissist.  Please somebody save me.

And like I say, I am the only person I have to go to for help; I have no one.  I got fired from my job tho I feel that w no surprise; as I w just so done with their gaslighting and pervertedness I feel.

It w bc I w working on myself and had risen out of narcissism.  I honestly feel that this town has no place for someone who is not a narcissist.  I feel getting fired is absolutely a real threat for someone who is not pathologically narcissistic.

It’s like they can smell you coming a mile off, they can smell the empathy, and are averse to it; that’s honestly my experience of working a job here; the endless gaslighting of every single word that came out of my f mouth.  It w hell.

To Waking Up

Kirsty