Hey

I went to crafting yesterday.  It w good.  We were decorating candles.

I have smashed it this week for finding stuff to do; w is super good bc I w so scared that I w just be stuck in my flat forever.

Losing my job hit me super hard and now Ik that it doesn’t matter.

It cost me three quid w w okay.  Ima afford like that much, it’s only one hundo a month.  I w spending getting around on bus that much.

No one did that thing where they throw their hand to their head; no one glared at me either; it w nice.  They don’t suffer from low self esteem, and are not threatened by me.

It w nice to be in the village; it is somewhere like this that I w like to live.

I had all these memories of how much I used to love this town, how amazing I felt here.

This w confusing.  Like how c I remember w such joy this place and at the same time despise it so much.

I decided that instead of focussing on how much I despise the people here, I wanted to get back that energy of loving the place.

This is bc I felt like I had lost something inside of me that w preventing me from being able to feel the real dopeness of the place; I had lost a part of me.

That is the most important part of me, getting this back.

There is this fear that if I move out, then I w have lost the chance to get this part of me back; so I w regain this part of me before I move out.

It gives me a whole new thing to focus on.  I want this part of me back so much; I need it.

I have been holding that there is something missing from out there, tho maybe after all it is missing from w~i me.

I had been feeling like this place had changed and gone right downhill, w all the heroin abuse; tho maybe what had gone downhill had actually been the internal state of my feelings.

It w take time to get this part of me back; tho I have made a start.  I have started remembering w it felt like.  Soon I w have it in my reality to be able to feel these feelings again; in the present.

I think it w bc as a child I didn’t judge.  My minded wasn’t clouded w that energy, everything seemed innocuous.  I need that innocence back.

One thing Ik is that I don’t like to feel in danger every time I go out.  I feel this is how it is is that if people see that I’m scared then that is exactly w w put me in danger; of getting taken advantage of sexually or having them take my possessions off of me, or money.

It’s a very heavy subject, and that is why I don’t want to feel that way anymore.  I feel that by being innocent I am less likely to be taken advantage of.

When I w young I w never scared of anything bad happening.  The only time I ever felt scared w w I went camping.  That made a lot of sense bc I w completely vulnerable; tho at no other time did I feel this way.

I feel that if I follow J’s commandments I w begin to feel safe.

A lot of it is around being a girl.  I w on the other side of the rainbow as I w growing up and I never had the feeling of being taken advantage of sexually when out and about.

I don’t feel that it is my transition that has gotten me feeling this way; it is judgement.  It is feeling that men are monsters that cannot control their urges.

The truth is tho that as I felt this way when I w young, Ima also feel this way as a girl; both are reality.

I feel there is this split that happens when a n’a is a teenager.  One minute they have this safety of not feeling threatened by anyone and then they start to judge the other gender as being defective in some way, boys over girls and girls over boys.

This is where judgement sets in and I feel that this is w leads to depression through the teenage years.

It’s that poison of adulthood, judgement, bitching about everything left right and centre.  I wish to rewind that to the days before I saw everything a threat and as being nasty.

I feel that this is w is clouding my feelings so that Ima not feel the good in the world.

I need to get that back before I decide to move out of this place; for reasons that I feel that this is my only chance to get it back and then after that it w be gone.

It has to be my highest priority; it rly does have that much value that I must seek it with the reverence for it accordingly.

It is w~i my power; to not judge men as being defective compared to women; so not judge anyone or anything.

it’s okay to hate tho, to hate things like racism; to hate judgement itself.

I must go back to that innocence; it is who I want to be.  I need it like the air that I breathe.  I can’t go on only seeing darkness in this place; and if this place rly is bad then I w leave and feel that lightness somewhere else.  Tho first I must see that lightness w~i my heart so that Ima say to myself; there is too much judgement here, and I must move to where people aren’t judging so much.

To Being Clean Enough To See The Beauty In A Place

Kirsty