Hey

I must work on the business more; I have to get it up and running.  This means finishing the landing page.

I went to a social group in Orton.  I met there people Ik when I w a teenager.  It w like Idk, affirming of my journey to heal; bc I w healthy when Ik them last and I am healthy again.

She told me that I had done rly well to heal from the state of mind that I w in.  This is indeed true.  I said that I had learnt that me being in control of my life w the best thing bc of what I had achieved in that context.

I felt like I had been crippled emotionally growing up; the purpose of which being to prevent me from outshining my abuser who I felt had ASBD.

I felt so worthless that I didn’t even go for a low paid assembly job.  I w scared to apply for work bc of being rejected.

I felt that in charge of my own life I w mess it up.  I feel that this w the worthless feeling that I w instilled with; that I w utterly useless, and valueless.

So it w nice to hear that I had done rly well, being in charge of my own life and being the only one I had to rely on in building back up my self esteem.

I realised in that moment that yes I have value, a crazy amount of value for having done something that very few people would ever be able to do and w w super rare.

Reaffirming and reaffirming that I had my feelings back.

Yes my feelings did come back.  All those memories I had of feeling.  Eventually I did actually feel those feelings outside of my memories and actually in the world around me.

I see now my loneliness as an absolute crime and a result of living in a town where the law is narcissism.  And being scared to connect w anyone out of the overarching population being unsafe emotionally.

That is the thing w gaslighting; it is the gaslighter who is dysfunctional in the exact way they are making the victim out to be.  It’s the classic thing in the New Testament where J says that whatever way you judge it that is how you will be judged.

It’s more than that.  It’s actually communicating that judgement to people in a forceful way, bullying people.

That act of bullying causes a need to self justify the bullying in the mind of the judger, causing an attitude of inferiority in the victim or demographic of the victim.

Like for example racism.  When there is someone feeling that someone acted in a racist way, and they bully the person they feel acted this way.  Then it sets up a reality in the bully that all the demographic of that person is racist for example; when actually it is the bully who has become racist by asserting that that whole demographic is racist.

Thereby the judger has been judged by the measure they measured the person they  judged; they are now factually racist.

It gives me great pleasure to be able to explain this in an understandable way.  Minorities should not become the bully.  The person who is triggered should not become the exact zhe that they are making the person out to be who they feel ‘said something’.

It’s sad that anyone who feels they are regularly being wronged in some way can utterly lose the right to feel that way when they bully someone they feel is doing it.  They in that moment are judged to be the actual problem all along.  I’m not saying it is fair, I am saying it is fact.

This is why the post on Tumblr, you are only as pretty as you treat people.  A stark reminder that a pretty girl becomes hideously ugly the moment they use that entitlement to bully someone.

Anyone can be gorgeous, if only they never unload on anyone.

I’ve seen so many people be gorgeous for a brief time and then lose it, seemingly forever.

I suppose it’s humility.  The need for humility never goes away.

I guess people get money; and then they start acting like they are better than other people, and this is why J says that merchants and buyers do not get into the Kingdom Of Heaven.

I w always scared of even the tiniest amount of power.  I never wanted to have money.  I didn’t want to make crazy money as I felt this w not be good for me, that it w mean that I never got into heaven.

I’m scared for my very soul; just clinging onto the line where J says that be generous w the poor and you are clean.

I have managed attractive.  I have never unloaded on anyone.  I aim to be the same way with riches, hopefully this w keep me safe; what I have learned with beauty translating onto wealth.  Only time will tell.

Do Not Judge Lest You Will Be Judged

Kirsty