Hey

Sitting here w a nice cup of Colombian.

I should be able to buy the North Face jacket I want soon as it has sold out at thirty percent off and w now go up to forty.  Then I have another one to get next month.

My feelings are starting to come through stronger and stronger.  I feel the warmth in the people around me.

I need to log into my tax account.  I don’t want to do that today, bc it is the sabbath.  It w have to wait until Monday.

I have an activity to go to on Monday w is nice.  It’s nice to have things to do.

I have an appointment with occupational therapy on the tenth of February; tho I don’t want to get voluntary work as I am sick of being taken for granted, and treated badly as a way, I feel, of keeping me down.  Disgusting behaviour, I feel.

Happens w every voluntary job I get.  I work for them a couple of years and then they start treating me like sh and asking things of me that are taking advantage, I feel.

Probably just the same as normal employment.  They say you should never work for somewhere more than a couple of years or you’re torpedoing your chances of promotion.

I guess the world’s different now and people just take advantage.  There seems to be no respect between people anymore.

Ik there is a lot of money in the world.  There are the same number of people on minimum wage as are millionaires.  I get disgusted by negative people who just keep saying how bad things are.

I have to say I’m scared of getting raped when I’m out and about, and don’t k how best to deal with someone should I feel they are a threat of that.  Should I call the police or just ignore them; nicely say I’m not interested.

One thing I do k is that I must not be abusive.  That w mean that I take all men for rapists from that moment on as I discussed in my last post; w w put me in very real danger of rape as I w see it as such a threat that I lose it over fear of it.

I get one thing done for the business every day, that way I am moving forward.

I have realised that all people are not on top of everything.  Like for example I struggle to keep my place tidy and brush my teeth tho I am pretty good w nutrition.  All people are not keeping themself healthy in all areas.

This makes me feel good; it means that I am not devaluing myself for not being perfect; as no one is.  This is a part of me getting back in touch w my feelings, seeing myself as human and therefore seeing others as human as well.  I still feel tho that this town is highly narcissistic tho.

I am on a lot of medication w means that I can’t feel my feelings.  W is weird bc I swear I can; tho it should be covering them up a lot, a hell of a lot.

Maybe this is why I am running around saying that this place is so cold.  Maybe the coldness is w~i me bc of being on the medication.

I always want to come down in dosage.  When I see my shrink on the seventeenth I w ask him if I may come down just a little.

I remember when I w on just one and a half milligrams.  I c feel so much it w great.

I c push for a lot less like I did before; tho I must not go against my shrink in a big way next time as this caused me to have a relapse.

This flu virus just won’t shift; I’ve had it for months now; taking paracetamol every single day.

I’m asking myself w I have to look forward to.  I suppose the business is a main one.  I feel like I don’t deserve to live bc of being on benefits; when I start earning money I may stop feeling like Ima die all the time.

This is left over from when I w attacked at the magistrates court.  I experienced imminent death and the feeling never left me and I felt that way all the time.  It gave me schizophrenia; for life.

I’m rly hoping that the feeling goes away as it is rly hard to cope w.

Maybe my schizophrenia and the feeling w evaporate at the same time.  Maybe it is not worth coming down on medication too much as it is the feeling that is causing it and it isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

It’s horrid rly, feeling Ima drop dead at any moment.  I used to have a rl fear of dying so much so that I w be in incredible pain like all the time just feeling that one day it w all be over; extreme suffering.

Mostly this w caused by narcissistic emotional abuse tho I feel.  It’s common w people suffering from this to feel this way; tho it’s also part of my schizophrenia tho like I say.

To Better Days

Kirsty