Hey

I have chosen not to judge.  That means not trying to figure out whether I should be judging.

I realise that G’s commandments have made it possible for me to feel my feelings.

They have also meant that Ima handle what feels like abuse coming from people w only  feeling mildly f up over it.

These are things that I want to continue.  Ik that should I judge, the w stop.

My life is going quite well.  I have my activities at the hall to do most days of the week.

I get on w the business every day; and am working towards a better future; a future w more self esteem bc of supporting myself.

I’m still scared of being rich; I don’t want to have anything over anyone.  Maybe this is G’s plan for me tho.  He says anyone who humbles themselves w be exalted.

This has definitely happened.  I have become more attractive; and Ik that I have the self esteem to make lots of money.

I w be looking at a nice home in a nice area, with lots of nice friends.  I get on better w people who have money, Idk why.  I just feel better in myself when I am round them.

When I look at their faces when they talk to me they light me up; I like it, I like them.

This makes me feel guilty.  Why don’t l like everyone.

It’s scary continuing to not judge; Idk where this w take me tho Ik that it has done me the best, following this thus far.

I always wanted that feeling of when I w a kid and I w feel like this energy in lots of places that w so dope.

I had memories of this coming up and then I had the feeling for real in my life.  It felt amazing.

Ik I killed that off by judging tho it w be back.

I’m scared.  I’m scared of being as happy as I w w I w a kid.  I’m even scared of getting younger; like my hair returning to its natural colour and my face being attractive like a young person.

I may want eternal life, tho I am scared of this.  I’m scared of being young again.

I have no choice tho; I don’t want to judge people, I just don’t.  I never wanted to leave this town.  I wanted the feelings that I had been having flashes of memory of.

I wanted to stay until I had fully embodied the feelings of happiness over this place that I had when I w younger; and stopped wanting to move out. 

Then at that point I c move out anyway and see the world.  I definitely want to go to Elephant Park, and New York, and Miami, and Australia.  I’ve got a lifetime’s worth of travelling to do.

I want to stay at the Brando for a couple of weeks, and the Chevalier Three Quays in London; tho nothing could beat home.

I need people to be close to; that warm family feeling at Christmas time, Easter and other times.

I yearn to be who I w w I w young so bad.  I’ve lost my whole life, I feel to narcissistic abuse and my mind not functioning at all bc of it.  Now is my time to rly live.

I’m scared of getting my life back.  I’m scared of being truly happy, and having people close to me who I rly love; to loving the home where I live, and feeling whole.

Idk why this is so frightening when it is the one thing that I have wanted all my life ever since losing it when I w about eighteen.

I have to not be scared.  I have to just not judge and let my consciousness just transmogrify to happiness and bliss; to not judge and just allow this to happen.

Maybe I feel guilty for getting this gift from G, when everyone else just gets older and more ill inside, more freaked out w each passing year.  I can’t force them to follow G’s commandments, I only have control over me, my own decisions.

Idk what this w mean tho Ik that I want it as I have wanted it all my life.  Now I have the chance to take it and I choose to try.

Kirsty