Hey

I woke up from this dream where I w applying to be a kid.  This kid walked into the building and it seemed super important to not offend him/her.

I woke up feeling that I must be chill; that nothing this morning w allowed to bother me.

I went to Ferry Meadows yesterday, and had chips and beer.  It w nice, tho one of the chips tasted like someone had had it up their bum.

I had so many feelings yesterday.  I w coming through Bretton; and I c feel the vibe of the estate, all of them.

I have been dead inside for like thirty years.  So it’s nice to feel now.

It’s also nice that the abuse hasn’t damaged my mind so much that I am still able to feel these things.  I wonder how much my prefrontal cortex had shrunk back then.

I must find things to do.  There’s a church in Bretton that puts a lot of activities on, and I must find out w one it is.

As my application is in for being a kid I must be extra vigilant in following J’s commandments; I don’t want anything to screw it up.

I’m doing well.  I watch One Of Us Is Lying; and I just take it in like I am still young; I am so lucky.  That’s on Netflix btw.

This means not judging w has been my one weakness.  Not worrying as well is also an issue.  I feel scared that I have offended G, and I must not worry about it. 

One morning I w trying to get to sleep and w keeping myself awake with thoughts like this; then I noticed that it w bad and stopped.

I continue to sing riffs; they just come into my head and I sing them out.  I feel it’s good practice for when I get into the booth.

I feel that I c come up w the melodies for a whole song one day.

I have to see if my jacket is in; at forty percent off so that Ima buy it today.  This w be nice bc I rly like it and want to look nice.

It w be warm as well; tho I feel that the coldness of the winter is coming to and end now.

I just took my pills for this morning.  I w check the jacket w I have done this.

It’s like applying for a job.  I must look like I am responsible enough for this.  I must look like there is any chance in a million that Ima pull this off.

I must also forgive; from feeling that my relapse w caused by people.  There must be no judgement in there, like I say.

I must not judge the old for being old; also.

I spend all my time w old people, and there must not be any judgement there; for if I am calling them old then I am the one who is old.

I’ve zhuzhed up the webpage a little for the offer I am promoting, and should soon apply for the offer as I have been told to do this by my friend.  Tho rly the business has taken a back seat; as I just want to be young again, and must like I say concentrate hard on keeping J’s commandments.

I feel that society is now at a place where people are able to try to stay young by following J’s commandments if they want to.  Society has been getting more and more respectful w every generation; and there is now a focus on being able to be authentic as this is rly the path to happiness.  This should allow me to do this.

I am getting the flush off my Nicotinic Acid, it actually is a little painful.

I’m thinking about mom; and how she doesn’t see anything I say of having any value; and how I c tell her that it cleans out arteries; tho she won’t listen for sure.

That’s why it’s called emotional abuse, bc of the emotions I w feel trying to help her and being blocked like that.  It w cause emotional pain.  I must keep myself out of her life.

I’m kinda wondering w people won’t follow J’s commandments.  They definitely work when it comes to being young.  I suppose that it’s bc adult life is all about money and power, and people don’t want to weaken themselves in any way.

I suppose that they feel that life is a fight all the way, and they w go under.

Relevant to this is that J says that whoever loses their life for me w find it; and whoever tries to save their life w lose it.

I have lost my mom; and my job and my friends, so it is hard; tho feeling my feelings has been my lifelong goal; and it has been so long since I felt anything that I want the youth, the years that I have lost, I feel to emotional abuse.

It is all I want; and I am so lucky that I have made it a priority over having any kind of life.  It is in and of itself, life; it is true life.  Being able to feel is life itself, no matter how I feel about having power and being able to manipulate people.

I rly hope that someone young reads this and realises that they don’t have to get old, that they can stay young by following J’s commandments.  That rly is my ultimate goal.

I find it hard to deal w how society and socialisation seem to just swallow them up and they spend all their teenage years feeling depressed.

It doesn’t have to be like this.  That life inside, they don’t have to lose it; they don’t have to become an adult.

I must check the website for errors and send it off.  I need an income.  It’s scary.  It’s my first offer.  Tho if I don’t send it off… I w never have started this journey of affiliate marketing, at all.

I feel like today is the first day of my life.

I am hoping to feel that Ik where these commandments come from.  Ik I will.  They are doing something to me.  Not judging is changing my whole consciousness; and Ik that soon I w indeed k where these commandments come from, that they are not of this earth.

In the meantime I am truly grateful for them.  I watch Monster High and One Of Us Is Lying.  Words cannot express my gratitude at being able to enjoy these programs; they rly are the bomb.

My love for G, J, in this context is very strong.

To J

Kirsty