Hey

I realise that Idk anything.  It’s like Keanu reeves says in Point Break.

I ask myself like one thousand a day what is the answer to something; is it this or is it that, is this right or wrong, should I do this or the opposite.

And the fact is that Idk.  I just don’t k, and accepting this is actually real knowledge.

Hopefully this w stop me worrying.  Like I feel so helpless bc Idk anything; tho this is the way it as and I just need to accept it.  At least Ima have control over whether I worry about it.

A big one is, did I do the right thing there.  Accepting that Idk; like who says that I have to be perfect anyway and get sh right.  How Ima get sh right when Idk what I should be doing; w the f am I so hard on myself.

Especially when it is a situation with a disagreement when there is someone else involved.  Why am I asking myself who is to blame and c I do anything better.

Idk who is to blame; and Idc.  It happened, move on.  What happened w for the best anyway so why grumble about it, yk.

And things are shifting as well.  When people say stuff and I think it’s about me; I tend now to see quite easily that it is not.

And these dehumanisations in my head of people; I tend to be able to shut them down before they spoil my mood.

And judging people…

I just realised that when I judge people, it means that I’m more prone to feeling that they meant me when they say some random sh.

it’s like every time I judge…  It’s like when they say sh, it’s like I imagine that they are judging me the way I judge them; and that’s why I feel it’s about me.

So if I don’t judge then there w be no need to feel that it’s ever about me.

It’s just taking people for being like me, Ima be real w you.  So if I knock it the f off, I might not feel that they feel judgy towards me.

Things seem to reveal themselves; tho it takes like years.

I never judged or worried for like several years, well at least did my best not to; and it is only now that I realise that judgement and worrying are completely unnecessary.  For the amount of pain they cause in my mind it’s a good choice

I guess the default position for me w always that if I were ever unsure that I had done something w then I w always deem that I had and gotten anxiety over it; so, realising that idk whether I did anything w there, is actually a step up.

And to leave it alone, and not get that anxiety, is super good; who tf likes anxiety.

It w always trying to figure it out until I ripped that w the problem.

I remember learning empathy from my boss and slowly beginning to accept that I don’t need to treat myself like sh.  It w such a happy time bc Ik that I w starting to be kind to myself.

She had been so good to me; that I just couldn’t help but slowly begin to give myself the same respect; and it changed my life so much for the better.

I suppose that it rly is that people need others to treat them well before they can be kind to others; and the sad thing is is that a lot of people have never had anyone be kind to them.

So this is how abuse is perpetuated, they just continue treating others how they have always been treated, ergo being abusive; Idk.

I’ve changed so much.  I am a completely different person thanks to following J’s commandments.  I feel alive.  I have self esteem.  I have the prospect of supporting myself, and friends.

The world seems like it may offer me a good life, all bc of that.  Honestly, I feel quite moved, talking about it.

To J’s Commandments

Kirsty