Hey

I’m struggling w stress.  I’m struggling w what if’s.  I keep thinking w if this happens, what if that happens.  This is the most toxic thing that I do.

I’m rly leaning into not doing this.

I had boundaries tho, w actually reduced stress; so hopefully things w be better in the long term.

It’s all bc I said no to someone and am scared w they might do.

The same happened when I said no to my brother.  He came round expecting to be let into my place and I said no.

I thought he w going to do something crazy.  Tbh I think this a lot about people.

In Other News

The jacket I want; I still haven’t bought it.  I had held off for a bit longer, not knowing whether it w go down to forty percent off.

I don’t want to think about that.  I just don’t feel like worrying about it.

I suppose life is as psychological as anything else.  I’ve just got to stay strong.

I’ve joined lots of groups tho.  I get another shot at meeting people.

I w saying that it just went wrong last time I did it.  I invested like about three years into some people and they just, well it all went wrong.

I don’t think I’ll ever give someone so much time.  If it’s not working I w just move on.

If someone has shown that they are not interested in the long term then I w accept that that is a death sentence for our friendship; especially if they are treating me like I am less than.

I suppose that means that they are an emotional bully and are just withholding.

This w my biggest problem so like forever that I had no boundaries.  I c fw anyone bc I didn’t k how to say no, so it w safer to stay away.

I feel more chill now I have said no.  I just feel more like something bad is less likely to happen.

It also feels super nice that I have the right to make my own choices.  Like I don’t have to live the life that someone wants for me; I am okay to choose what I want my life to be; what I want to do. 

I suppose that most people are aware of this as yolo.

I feel I am a lifelong victim of abuse.  It’s that stringing along like one day something perfect w happen.

It’s a bit like that Kim Jong Ill, when he says back to paradise.  He’s promising this to the whole country.  It w never happen tho.

This is the thing.  Nothing’s gonna change unless I change it.  Like Einstein said that the definition of insanity w doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

This is comforting to me.  Like I’ve actually made a huge choice.  That is why it feels so stressful; life changing.

This rly frees me up to live the life I want.  It’s crazy that I didn’t see this before.

I suppose this is the power of boundaries; that are the tool that allows a n’a to have the life they want.

I suppose this w w I w missing and why things just went on and on getting nowhere w my friends.

I suppose it’s okay in life for me to do the things that make me happy.  Like I say, yolo.

This is w I w never taught as a child, I feel; autonomy.  I suppose it’s the crux of an abusive upbringing.

For me, loving that child means showing them that whatever they want is okay and that they don’t have to live someone else’s life.

I suppose this is why this is so huge.  It’s me learning something that I should have been taught right out the get; something that all children k, until they are abused out of k ing it.  C this be the last tendrils of abuse being shaken from me.

Again, that is why this feels so huge and I feel so stressed out, having been taught all my life that boundaries are something that I am now allowed, I feel.

No wonder it w be such a hard thing to do and to feel that there w be consequences.

There are different types of intelligence.  There is academic intelligence; and there is emotional intelligence.

I w high in one, and sorely lacking in the other; and Ik it, for so long and it caused me a great deal of pain, bc Ik that I w unaware, and that I w putting myself in danger bc of it; every single day.

It’s a pain that I never wanna go back to.  And that’s why I feel less stressed out now after asserting my boundaries.  Like I say, I feel that everything has changed.

To Boundaries And Emotional Intelligence.

Kirsty