Hey

Trying so f hard to keep G’s commandments of don’t worry and don’t judge.

I feel that the stress attacks me and that’s why I have schizophrenia.  It’s the panic in my mind all the time; that is causing it.

So I’m trying to get the panic down by not worrying and not judging.  It’s hard bc I feel I’m leaving myself open.

I check on my affiliate offer tomorrow, it w have been a week.

If things are a go, then it’s go time.  There’s no holding me back now.

I w feel like I am making a contribution to society, w w feel amazing. 

I remember when I started work when I w a teenager.  Things seemed amazing at that time; everyone seemed happy.

That’s what I need for everyone to seem happy.

When the outer world is good then the inner one is.  This is the key to depression; it’s seeing everyone as something that is good, that way the person’s inner condition feels good also.

As opposed to everyone who sees evil people everywhere and feels like an evil person too.

How a n’a judge people, that’s rly how a n’a feel about herself, yk.

I’m starting to feel, only just, mind, that people are like feeling good.

I mean, yes people moan; and I had to get off the busses bc the people were the most miserable ever; tho I see people as feeling good; even tho they release all that they are feeling bad about on people.

That way they go on feeling good; tho I can’t be hearing it bc it makes me feel like they are miserable people and it damages my reality and my perception of them; w makes me feel miserable too.

I just love that I feel that people are feeling lighter and lighter.  This makes the world feel like a better and better place.

Like I say the more the world feels like a better place the more I feel like a good person.

This is the best gift I have had out of following J’s commandments.  It feels good.

I feel positive about the business.  The numbers show crazy money so I should at least make something.

Idk how well received my landing page w be.  This rly is the deciding factor when it comes to how much money I w make.

I suppose w time I w make them better.  Maybe Ima look them up in the Awin success centre and see how to make a rly good one.  I first have to get this offer off the ground tho.

I used to think that I needed to be kinda better than other people in order to have some kind of self esteem.  This w kinda narcissistic, yk.

I had the feeling that… well something went to my head; and I’ve realised that this is possible.

That is like the worst thing for me.  Like it w bring me right down on w I w feeling good about myself for in the first place; taking it away from me completely.

This is a fear of mine; that the business w go to my head; and it w be extremely hard not to let it to.

Ik that as things are rn, people help me so much and let me off a lot of stuff.  The minute I feel entitled that all goes away and I don’t get the help anymore.  I find this super scary.

I suppose that is why J’s commandments say to be humble; bc people ain’t gonna do sh for you if you aren’t.  That’s my story anyway.  That is my power, letting, just allowing people to just treat me w so much f respect, yk.

That rly is the best way for me bc I get to love them so much for how they treat me w~o me pushing at all.  It’s a lovely world to live in and I like it; a lot.

Again, this is w I am saying, my world feels good.

Everyone I talk to when I am out and about, like the people who serve me in shops and places they all treat me so good it’s lovely.

G I just want to let people into my life so that they can be that way w me.

I have met some people in the groups that I go to and I have been treated pretty well there.  I w like to meet more people so that I definitely get that vibe.

That is w I love the most, just people treating me the same way that I treat them; it feels so amazing, I love it.

I just want to be around people and just respect them through being polite etc.

There w this post in Tumblr that said you are only as pretty as you treat people.

I feel now that this is a warning about it going to someone’s head and them being mean; bc the second that person is mean they lose it all.

I deem this to be fact, and this is why it is hard being a woman when so much of my value is placed on how I look.

That is why I stopped worrying and judging, especially judging.  It’s bc I felt super attractive on time; and then I judged and I felt super ugly.

The judging w w made the difference between one extreme and the other.

That tbh is why I am leaning into it so hard.  I loved the way it felt to feel super attractive in that moment, and I want to feel it as much as I can.

I aim to be the most attractive.  I’ve seen people who I wanna look like and feel Ima get there by being like this.

They seem amazing and like they rly have the secret to looking that good, and I feel I have it too; just wanna see if Ima get there.

G they seem so chill.  It’s unnerving.

it’s frightening being like this tho.  W it make me a better person.

Ima only look at how I’ve become from doing it thus far.  It has made me attractive and young, so it should work when I lean into it more; tho like I say I am scared.

This is ground I have never walked on before and Idk how it w go; ontop of feeling scared all the time.

It’s easy to understand how people are mean to those they don’t understand.  This thing being new to me it seems like a threat, Ima be honest.

I must push on regardless, like I say, being aware of how this has changed me so far; and k ing that hell yea I want more of it; I want it all, I do.

To Having It All

Kirsty