Hey

It w cold yesterday, super cold.  I w having to stop every four hundred meters on my scooter and shake my hands.  When I got home I w super frozen.

I felt I had run a marathon, I had used to much energy.  I just had a little bit to eat and went to bed.

These trips to Waterville have meant that I have lost weight.

It is Sunday today, w means that I must not do any work; on the business.

I think the main thing that propels me along is not worrying.

I w shocked to realise that I had been five years, even more of trying to make money online.

Ik this is normal.  It takes supes long to make it in online business.

It’s nice to have people in my life.  They care about me, w is nice.

Tbh everyone cares about me.

When I rode past one of my neighbours, he shouted out, alright, w w super nice.

Where we live is a little community; and it’s nice that they like me.

I think I may be better off living in the city centre.

I have never rly got on w the chavs; super well.  That’s a lie, I used to f hard; tho I’ve moved on.

I don’t get on w the posh people either.

I need like entrepreneurs to fw; so it’s the city centre.

I want to visit the flats in Town.  I must hit up the housing association and go in there.

It may give me the inspiration to lean into the business.

I w probably end up living in London.

I have to find the n’as who are my people; I think it’s them.

It’s good that it’s all coming together.  I have been trying to worry and realising that it is unhealthy.

I w in a little bit of anxiety not k ing where to live, feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere.  Tho J says not to worry about what to eat and what to wear and I figure that means where to live also.

I didn’t want rly to be around people who were entrepreneurs bc the Bible says that merchants and buyers do not enter the kingdom of heaven.

I wanted to be around people who would draw me towards it, not push me away; tho I realise that everyone is evil and Idek how to pick who to fw.

I wanted younger people.  I don’t vibe w the age group I’m fw rn.  I never will.

I’m fed up w fw people who w never be my friends; I’m sick of it.  Ik already that my friendship is going nowhere so I may as well just get out.  That’s another reason to just move to London.

I shouldn’t be tied to people who just don’t want to be close to me emotionally.  I feel strung along already and want to get out.

That’s why I want young people.  I feel they are more open to close connections, to rly vibe w someone.

This means that I must rly lean into not judging.  It is the tool I use to have the consciousness of a younger person.  It has brought me into their realm.

And now I am in their realm I must fw them.

I’m in a kinda limbo.  Idk how to meet anyone; anyone who is good to vibe w, fw.

It hurts inside to feel so isolated; that when I am around people I am totally alone.

I have felt this way the whole time I w fw the people I worked w w doing voluntary work; like our friendship w going nowhere fast.

Maybe it’s like the business.  I never needed any kind of money; to have worth as a human being.

All the time chasing it for value, it had none.

It’s  just what society tells us that makes us worthy.

That’s the problem.  I feel gaslit by all the people I fw, like the fact that they w never be emotionally close to me just I feel devalues the f out of me.

Like I feel such a piece of sh to be unworthy to them, yk.

That’s why I must find people to fw, real n’as, so that this feeling of unworthiness goes t f away.

To Real Friends

Kirsty