Hey

I take my powders.  It’s like being in the art deco era.

Calcium AlphaKetoGlutarate increases the life of mice by thirty percent, so I feel it’s worth doing.

The other powder is Carnosine, w helps w my eyes.

I have Pétanque today.  I lost it last time I played.  I had taken CBD, and just…

I feel like it makes me more unstable when it comes to being triggered; or ripped.

I have to go back today, k ing that they saw me like that.  And also k ing that I’m unable to take it again; when I have Pétanque at least.  This is a shame bc I love it so much.

It w weird; bc I just felt like I did when I w young; I guess that when I w young, I w ripped all the time and didn’t even k it.

I w unable to hear w people say bc I w trying to hold the whole of what they said.  I w essentially deaf.

I c hold the first part of w they said in my memory or the second, tho I couldn’t hold both; meaning that I lost all of it.

It hurts to k that I spend the whole of my youth not being able to communicate w people; at all.  I feel this w bc of emotional abuse.

I think the first time my memory started to extend w when I w away from my abuser for the first time.

I w in a homeless hostel; and I w reading and finding that I c read long paragraphs that previously I w have been unable to.  I remember telling my Care Coordinator.

I thought I w being a horrible person and that I w lying and just trying to sound grandiose; I wasn’t.

Up to the age of forty six, abuse w all I had ever known.

I thought that everyone w better than me.  Like for example, like being on the bus; I w feel that everyone on that bus, every person, w more important than me, that I had less value.

It w only in taking a break from this person that I realised that all people have the same value.  This w a huge revelation for me, and the tool I used to avoid ever going back.

It’s literally a miracle that I’m still not trapped in that situation; I w use J’s commandments to avoid judging my abuser and spreading these feelings about her.

This w have caused a backlash, I feel that w have destroyed me and made me look like the villain, doing catastrophic emotional damage.

It took years before I eventually had developed enough emotionally to be able to recognise abuse.

I had to develop right from the emotional maturity of a baby, right up to that of an adult, before I c ever see my abuser for who she is.

I’m still super duper frightened to open up about it for fear of reprisal; w is a good thing bc gaslighting c well do that emotional damage I w talking about.

So here I am; living my own life and making my own choices, instead of running everything past her; and being denied any kind of sense of self, achievements and goals and just the normal thing of a life and a path.

Every step of the way feeling like it w all collapse like a house of cards.

I am starting to function; my memory is starting to work; I’m starting to be able to think on my feet; my mind completely atrophied from never being used; the pathways of memory not only never being created, tho the information being sent the wrong way round my brain due to gaslighting as an infant.

Shutting down the ability from birth to remember my first memories of there being something very wrong w my abuser; and all memories after that.

I remember my mate commenting on how bad my memory w when I w a teenager.  I now have a chronic problem w rejecting my own memory and not trusting myself.

I think that’s enough about that.

So it’s rly good that I have my own business.  It helps me to feel that I have value as a person, that I am good for something, that my mind works in some way.

It gives me incredible self esteem; holding onto that hope that I have a way of doing it that other people just haven’t figured out that should make it easy for me to make money and compete w them; building me up to feeling as worthy as them.

People look at me like I’m something special.  For a long time this w rip me open as I w get it many times in just a short journey, making me feel singled out, and hating them for it.

Tho I have come to see that it is my resilience that they like; that is w shines out of me.

I just hope that the business model I have created myself actually works.

I am running up to the moment of posting my first ads and finding out if I am able to actually make money; and validate that I have been an absolute genius for figuring this out and making it look so easy.

Some credit going to the PassiveAffiliateBlueprint; tho part of that business model is deception so Ima just make that clear; and also that I changed it so that I’m doing it the proper above board kind of way.

I have yet to find out whether I have been accepted for partnering w the business I have applied to.  Should they say yes my whole world w be turned upside down.  It w be so much change.

I w at that point be responsible for my own life and sustaining myself w an income.  It’s a lot of responsibility.

It also w mean like I say that my business model actually works and that I have to credit myself w being able to run my business effectively.

Everything w change.

I looked to this business to give me self esteem; I thought the money w do that, having so much; when just being good at something w enough and more than that just makes me a dick.

To The Business

Kirsty