Hey

I’ve called myself trans one time, tho the truth is is that I am just female.

I had an MRI and the doctor told me that I have a womb.

I feel I am only male for one reason and that is that my brother used to attack me as soon as I w born.

I had to defend myself and I needed testosterone to do it.  Hence I became male.

It makes me think about the prospect of going back to my two abusers and how it w be super unhealthy to do that.

I think just for my own safety I am better not going back at all.  I feel they both have ASBD.

I don’t want to talk about it anymore bc it w bring back all the abuse.

In Other News

I am going bowling today.

Being in social situations wears me out; so this w be super tiring, tho it w be worth it.

I have given up the CBD bc of that time I lost it and w in so much emotional pain.  I thought they were all being nasty; and then to my surprise, they invited me to bowling.

I have to be honest w myself.  I normally go to Earth Science on Mon tho don’t like it very much.

It’s just a classroom environment; where it’s just the teacher talking all the time and doesn’t allow for socialising at all.  It’s not that hard to give it up tbh.

I suppose w the company I’m partnering w; I c just get Awin to contact them to ask them what’s going on w my application, as they are ignoring my emails.

Like I said before; I don’t want to be left hanging, just never be told w is w w my landing page and never be approved for the offer.

This is kinda stressful as it is the kinda the first time I have run an offer.

I feel I w feel much better when I have gotten started.

I have been at this impasse for a year.  I’m trying hard tho they seem to be getting in the way.

I w lucky they never approved my offer last time.  It allowed me to make my landing page better.

They said that it had nothing complimenting the brand on it.

It had plenty of text saying w they offered tho it wasn’t personal, saying w I like the most about the brand; the key features they offer, that other people don’t; from a person’s point of view who rly loves the way they f.

It also made me realise why my abuser used to grope my butt; and I had to tell her to stop doing it; and why two of my friends wanted to sleep w me; going back to the female thing.

It hurts that I had my gender stolen off of me, I feel.  Like the testosterone w have done damage that means that I now need hormones to be female.  All bc of routinely being attacked, like I say.  It’s just horrendous.

I kinda feel a little broken rn; or a lot broken after a life of abuse; just picking up the pieces of a whole life unable to make a start w no self esteem at all.

This is w I a left w after all that, mental illness and not much else.

Hell, there w no chance of a career after all that.  I didn’t even feel worthy enough to get the most basic min wage job for a while.

When I w a teenager I had a dream of having a trade.  This quickly evaporated.  I feel my abuser and the whole family declared war on me bc it w the time of my life when I w have autonomy and start seeing them for who they were.

The gaslighting w horrendous, treating me like totally worthless, for wanting help starting my life, and getting set up in my flat.

Yk my abuser never visited me once all the time I w living there and my stepdad only came once.  It’s too painful, I can’t go on.

I feel all they cared about w showing everyone how ‘evil I was’ as my abuser lied and said that I tried to strangle her, just to triangulate them against me I feel.  A chess player moving people like pieces on a chess board.

I’m rly done w this, I have to stop.  That w me letting go of my life.  The viciousness is sticking in my mind and won’t go away.

I’m just trying to let people w empathy into my life.

The truth is is that I have to become who I want to attract.  It’s taken years for me to cultivate empathy.  I spent years rejecting my own empathy bc of how I w trained, trained to be, to think, to exist; who I w.

Yes, rejecting my empathy w who I w, for many years after taking a break from my abuser.

I have to accept that damage has been done that Idk whether it can be undone; the psychological equivalent of the fact that I need pills to be female.

People think me dope.  This guy in this supermarket said ‘you are’.  I feel this way all the time.  It’s nice.  I suppose if I reject my own empathy, the fact is I can’t reject theirs.  I’m crying now, w is something I find rly hard; to actually cry.

People stare at me bc they see a quality that is so dope, and I feel singled out and just want to be left alone.  They don’t stare at anyone else, Ik this and it hurts that this rips me and I am the only one getting this.  It seems so unfair; feeling like I’m being rude for sometimes saying to people, please don’t stare at me.

People w shoot their hand to their head when I’m on the bus and the jerky body movement over and over and over, never ending, just constant the whole bus ride w rip me up.

It’s almost bad that I have become this person bc it make them do that and it rips me up; that’s hard, super hard to k.

What am I supposed to do; tell them that if they keep doing that Ima rip.

To Being F Up

Kirsty