Hey

I went to bowling, it w super.  I put myself out there and it w the best ever.

The mind is something that needs to be exercised.  The ability to cope in a group of people takes work.

I am rly happy that my mind is starting to work in that way; sure as hell hasn’t all my life.  The music of the bowling alley, avoiding feeling like a superstar.

J’s commandments are truly the best.  It is bc of them that I have been able to handle being around people; to cope.

I used to have these dehumanisations in my head that w give me anxiety.  I have learned to quash them, w is w I have such a good time when I am out.

It’s so much fun learning how to be around people; it’s a skill that is super addictive.  I did so well I rly need to give myself a pat on the back.

I had a cigarette yesterday; tho I don’t feel that it is rly something that I want to do.  I found a packet of Marlboro when I w cleaning up.

I have to get under my table done for when the girl comes from the housing association; she comes on Friday.

It’s over; the isolation over Christmas.  It w super hard to deal w, as I had a temperature of thirty eight point five and felt like the lowest ever w not a single person in my life.

I just had to get a taxi to the shop just to feel like I wasn’t in so much emotional pain, suffering that I c only just bear.

Things are way different now.  That is w is so good about it.

I’m still struggling to deal w the hand movements that people make.  They w move their hands in a way that sets me off.  I nearly lost it tho I managed to return to normalcy.  It w a close thing.

I have my occupational therapist today; she is a girl who I met when I was in the Cavell Centre, a place for acute mental illness, a psychiatric intensive care unit.

It w be a good chance to catch up.  I w having zero self esteem.  I w a shell of a human being w no feelings due to emotional abuse from my abuser I feel.

It w be nice to show her that I became an actual human being; that I am confident and okay in myself.  I rly want her to be shocked.

It is down to J’s commandments that I have become a real person, and due to the fact that I went no contact w abuse.

I w encourage anyone to get out of an abusive situation.  It’s better to have no one than to have someone who is destroying you from the inside out.  They are not your friend, trust me.

Tho Ima be clear that it took me five years to become a real person.  Tho life is short isn’t it, why waste it having no feelings.

Now Ima get on w my life and live.  I have my life back and plenty of time left to enjoy it, hopefully.

J says life is for the living.  So it’s best not to be dead inside.

I thought I w doing the most evil thing ever leaving my abuser.  Now Ik that I have the right to make my own choices.

It’s control.  She w controlling the way I feel, years after I had stopped having anything to do w her; making me feel like the worst human being ever for simply getting someone out of my life who w rotting my soul.

I started blogging when I started getting up at 2am.  I found that it w the time of night for the hunt.  I w go outside and smoke a cigarette, and have a coffee and feel the vibe.  I w then go in and get after it.

I now vape and still have my coffee.  It has become something that I love to do and a part of me.

I want my place to be neat freak tidy, I opened up to my tenancy sustainment girl.

It makes me super happy that she comes round and helps me to get there.

We are working on the living room first, and then the kitchen and then the bedroom.

People have become real to me.  For all these years I felt like I had ASBD bc people didn’t seem human to me.  I had to become human before I c see them as such, Ima be real w you.

That is why it feels so good Bowling; I feel like a human; at last, after a lifetime of being dead.

I feel that it w going to church when I w a kid; that kept the light burning in me for wanting better for myself.  I never gave up.  I remembered that I used to feel alive and wanted it back; all my life; and I got it back.  Never give up on being alive.

It doesn’t matter how long it takes: whether it takes the thirty plus years that it took me, or whatever.  Never give up on feeling.

That’s why I need to see my occupational therapist; tho show her that I am now alive.  Idek if she w care tho we will see.  It is a hard job that may have left her calloused.

To Being Alive

Kirsty