Hey

I had my occupational therapy appointment.  I freaked out.  I felt like she w trying to sexually manipulate me.

I explained this to her, and left.  She is going to send me some stuff through the post, tho I won’t be attending anymore appointments.

I watched the episode of Monster High where Laguna is hiding Senior Squeaky.  The vibe is like it’s good to tell the people close to you when you are going through something.

This is why I love these programs, bc Ik that it’s okay for me to speak up about feeling that way.

This is why I love the younger generations; bc they have got it more figured out.

I need to say how I feel, and when I can’t it’s a deal breaker.

One Of Us Is Lying w also good.

When Jake kept appearing to Addie, I have been through exactly the same thing.

When I left my abuser, the words that she w say to me, devaluing the f out of me, w be in my own head, twenty four seven; trying to keep me psychopathic; and for the most part doing a good job bc I took them to be the truth.

I w wondering how the author k that those are the exact types of things that a person has in their head when they are recovering from abuse just like Addie.  It w kinda an overwhelming feeling of validation and awe.

I felt so seen and heard, it w super nice.

I feel tho, that, it’s too soon for me to be finding voluntary work.  I’ve only just joined the four weekly groups, and need to settle into it before seeking more; like a couple of months.

And also putting some safeguarding in place w the employer, as Idk how to defend myself against psychological manipulation to make me have sex.

It’s a hard thing to do tho I w thinking…

It’s about increasing that part of the mind that deals w people.  A person’s ability to be in a social setting, that is happiness right there; like it’s a case of use it or lose it.

And that I should build myself up as much as I can bc swimming is being w people socially, and if I think that someone is going to manipulate me, then I w just have to risk it.

It feels good that I rly am getting my life back; that Ik that I w so long as I just keep expanding the things that I am doing socially.

Obs I can only take it as far as my schizophrenia allows; like just do voluntary work, tho I must exactly take it to that point.

This is the thing that I have always wanted, to have a family around me.  The way to feel this way is to be immersed to the level of a healthy person, socially.  I then feel like I w feel that I have family around me.

I feel how I am f rn is a step up from my job that I got fired from.  There is a closeness already that w not present there.  I always felt less than, like literally my boss and all the other people there thought they were better than me and held me in a lower position socially.

Thank f I am out of that situation, and just thank them for the hand up to where am now.  I am more at peace, feeling equal to the people I am fw.

I tidied my home up a bit tho w unable to make lots of progress due to being triggered for the whole day from the appointment.  I genuinely felt like everyone is a rapist just looking to take advantage of someone; it w horrid.

That is why I must get closer to people socially.  I remember when I w at my old job.  I w feel that way all the time, like people were manipulative in that way.

Ik that the more I do socially the less I w feel like that as w the stuff I have got going on rn I feel that way a lot less.

Ima be honest my old job has left me feeling dirty; to be taken I feel for such a whore, and for it to be suggested that I w f someone who clearly w someone I w never fw.

That makes me sick.  The whole time I w in that job I had people wanting so hard to fix me up w the staff.  I feel disgusted by that; feeling like I w being whored out.  And for it to be done behind my back w no bueno.  That’s one from the cloak and dagger brigade.

To Not Being Manipulated Sexually

Kirsty