Hey

I want to work.  I don’t want to have idle time on my hands non stop.

I feel this is just me being tempted w another offer; I’ll explain.

The hardest thing in business is to not get shiny object syndrome; and keep jumping from offer to offer and not settle on one.

I feel that is w work is doing; it is trying to take me away from the business I’m working on.

This is a testament to how close I am to making money.  The closer a N’a get, the more shiny object sh that come my way and look like a better offer.  All these business models that pop up on my feed and look super tempting.  The more self esteem I get the more tempting they look.

This is the paradox of self esteem.  The more the self esteem rises w working at a business model, the more tempting and feasible all the offers look that are a distraction, bc w that new self esteem, people can see that they are totally doable.

I have just noticed that I don’t like being idle; I like to be doing stuff all the time.  I feel this has come through increasing w I am doing w all the clubs I am going to.

I need people of my own age tho; Idek where to find clubs like this.  I’ve asked my social prescriber for something more in my own age group.

I like to be busy.  I feel that it is when a person have nothing to do that their thoughts, my thoughts, are not very kind to me, hell they are downright evil.

I even find that it is helpful to get on my scooter and ride somewhere, as the act of riding is me doing something and helps.

I managed to tidy up under my dinner table.  I have done this w a few days to spare; the girl from my housing association is coming tomorrow.

I want to be neat freak tidy.  This is the only level of tidiness that w make me happy; tho like I say, it is more having stuff to do all the time that w make me happy, as sitting in a super tidy flat w not even do it.

I have got to an age where I get tired tho; so  I have to strike a balance w how much I do.

I am not ready to do a voluntary job.  I have just started the clubs and need to settle into them before doing something else.  This is hard for me bc Ik how much it w help me being more active.

It’s also hard for me bc I feel that everyone is a perv and w try and manipulate me into bed w them; tho I must take the risk as getting a job w make me so much more mentally healthy.

Even tho it’s risky I must just go ahead and do it as it is human life.  Human life is work and w~o it a person just gonna be unhealthy; w I’m saying is that as much as I’m scared I have no choice.

Plus, w seems to help w being in fear of being taken advantage of is being busy.

It has to be in the right environment tho.  When I w in my last job I w super scared of it; and I feel this w bc the man I w working w has ASBD.

Everywhere I w, I w just in fear of being dragged into the back of a van; and like I say, I feel that fear w bc of working w someone w ASBD; I also feel my boss w a pathological narcissist and most of the other staff as well, so I feel it w a super unhealthy environment, ergo why I w having these feelings.

So the place where I work must be healthy.  This is hard bc I have no way of filtering it.  I just get a job and hope that it is not working w people who are empathy impaired.

My fear is that this town is pathologically narcissistic and that wherever I work I w being in this environment.  Tho like I say a human being has to work and there is no choice there.  It may mean leaving several jobs to find one that is not abusive.

Ik that as my self esteem rises I’m more capable of discerning between w is abusive and w is not.

The job served me for a long time when I had low self esteem tho tbh eventually I learned that it w not a healthy environment.

Now I have found a good club to go to I’m w people for the most part who are a great deal healthier.

I suppose work is something that need to be worked at and as the self esteem rises it’s important to leave and match that w a new place where the people can match it.  A situation of constantly rising up for years; especially being at the bottom like I w; rock bottom.

So now I have the challenge of matching my self esteem w an employer who deserves me; w is something that I have never had to deal w my whole life as I w always the victim of abuse who didn’t k my worth.

So this is good bc I value myself for the first time; tho my fear is that any perv could tear all this down by making inappropriate comments, or worse, bully me into an abusive relationship where the closeness of sex allows them to rip me up so I no longer value myself anymore.

The closeness of sex is something that rly bothers me as w an abusive person it’s actually physical abuse w is the most damaging kind of abuse due to the closeness.  I’m so scared of a nasty perv trying to get me into that.

I need to make sure that safeguarding is done w the employer so that I have someone to go to if there is repeated snide comments trying to get me into bed.

I am like a teenager in that I don’t k how to navigate this, and I don’t have a daddy who can go down there and deal w it.

I have been abused all my life and have never been in this situation before of needing to have my sexual autonomy respected.  I am also attractive and that is w make all this such a threat, w super high self esteem that abusive people prize as it provides them w bucket loads of narcissistic supply.

It’s disgusting to talk about it in these terms tho it is the reality.  Just hoping that despite my fears everything w be okay; tho yes, I wish I had a daddy who c look after me, that’s why the safeguarding is so important.  I’ll have to ask my occupational therapist if it’s okay to come to her if someone is making me feel uncomfortable.

To Learning How To Deal W Creeps

Kirsty