Hey

I had my visit from the girl from my housing association.  She has given me another area of my home to tidy up.

It w rly nice to have some company, and I had a good day.

I kinda felt whole; as I rode through to town from Ferry Meadows; and I keep having memories coming back from my youth.

I’m super happy about this bc my mind is clearing.

For a while I w concerned that I w only feeling my feelings when experiencing memories; tho this trip back from Ferry Meadows has taught me that indeed my feelings are coming through.  This is super exciting.

Could it be that J’s commandments are actually working.  They seem to have helped me to feel like I used to when I w young.

This presents the issue of me choosing to follow them for longer; w is a matter of faith.

Society has rules on how to behave and I kinda feel like I’m going against that.  That’s the hard part.

Tho w the commandments working so well, it’s quite easy to choose to continue this in spite of it.

That’s rly my only concern atm, societal pressure; I feel a little uncomfortable.

And Ik that it w take time, lots of time before I see the results that show me that I w right for it; w takes faith, so faith I must have.

It’s not hard to do like I say, bc I have the results already.

In Other News

I have learned how to create a high converting landing page; for my business.  I won’t bore you with the exact method.

This means that any time soon I w be able to tweak it so that it works better and makes me more money.

It kinda feels like my self esteem is tied up in this; like, if I make a ton of money then I get to feel better about my value than if it only just like makes a profit.

Ik that generally my self esteem is improving all the time tho, steadily.

It has gone up over the last three years a lot; a crazy huge amount actually.  I’m a totally different person.  Like I say, I feel young again.

I’m chomping like bat sh, to get a ten hour a week job as well.  The money w be super and so w just being busy; and meeting people.

I had an agency that I went to when I w younger.  I w try them again bc I used to get these part time jobs there, and I rly like them.

I’m getting a little help w money from the housing association girl as well.

I’m at the stage I w at when I w a teenager.  I had lost my job and w lonely and depressed bc I never saw my friends anymore.

I have the choice this time around to fix the problem and get a job and not fall into mental illness.  I rly have gotten a second chance.

This means that I get to have my life, w I have never had; w is exciting.  I should do a much better job at it w J’s commandments to follow.

I’m hoping to have the anti ageing supplements so that I get more time, as I have not had a life.  I want back w I have lost; and so far it seems that this is happening for me.

Not judging has become super appealing.  It’s a feeling.  It’s a vibe and it is dope.  G I love it.

That’s probably why I feel young.  It’s the vibe of not judging.  It rly is that good.  Like I said in my last post, it is w is w w older people.

I’m so happy that I get a chance to do it all again.

I suppose that w the business gave me w hope; hope that I w be able to work; something that w not be too taxing for me, w my schizophrenia; tho I find myself getting a part time job anyways; G I’m so happy.

In this moment I feel moved to loving J so much.  I just wish I c convey how this feels.  Anyone who is young k how they feel; that is how I feel.

Like I remember when I w riddled w narcissistic abuse and felt dead inside and there w this guy on the news.  He w forty five and he w saying that who’s gonna employ me now; he had lost his job.

And here I am right back at the start of my life doing it all again; like I never aged at all.

I think the thing that he never understood is that even a part time cleaning job is okay.  You just get something yk.

I need to be busy more bc I feel rly low, emotional pain through being so depressed.

I felt this way earlier on; and I just shot out to Ferry Meadows to keep, get, my body active, even riding my scooter.  The rest of the day w good.  I’ve had a good day.

This is w I need, just to keep my body active so that I don’t feel so low.

The body needs work.  Otherwise the mind shuts down w depression, and the mental faculties slow the f down, and practically stop to match the physical inactivity.  Human beings are not meant to be idle.

Here’s To Second Chances

Kirsty