Hey

Had a beer yesterday; it w nice.

I used to do it every day tho I didn’t enjoy it; bc I w addicted.

I had a dream where I bought some cigarettes.  It w so much hassle, they wouldn’t give them to me; they messed me around so bad.

It’s got me thinking about the whole drugs and how much is enough thing.

I remember that every time I had paracetamol I always got a ton of pain as it w running out; super addictive.

And that as it is I crave paracetamol so badly; and I vape more than I w like to.

Idk how to stop feeling this way; like I need something all the time.  And I keep this in mind when thinking about whether to have another beer.  I’m scared that it w lead to harder things.

I’ve done harder things in the past, and it w a lot of fun, tho I don’t want to lose control.

I’m reminded that not only do nine out of ten people drink, they drink too much.  I pretty much reject this world and w people normally do.  I aim to stay healthy.

I w talking to my psychiatrist years ago and he seemed to think that it w down hill all the way in life; basically that things c never get better.  I left him as a psychiatrist bc of this, feeling that he w too negative.

Things have gotten better.  Ever since following J’s commandments things have gotten better; and five years down the line… I am a whole new person who feels alive inside; after feeling dead my whole life.

Basically I don’t want something that’s gonna make me feel more dead.  I want to feel aliver not deader.

This is my goal; for my feelings to come back fully; so that I am in the consciousness of me when I w a kid.

In Other News

I w talking to my friend.  We were saying how I’m not rly schizophrenic.She w saying how in her job she met many and I am just not like them; and how I should ask my psychiatrist for less medication.  It feels good to be healing.  I see him tomorrow.

I’m rly stuck w being like people.  I don’t like this world and I don’t like what they are like.  They are too aggressive and I don’t like their ways.  I don’t know whether to listen or just wait for him to reduce it when he feels the time is right.

There is a huge difference between G’s commandments and w the world says to do; enough of a one to reject the world and its ways.  It’s a super hard thing to do.  It feels like the whole world is against me; and it is.

It’s actually super hard to follow J’s commandments.  It is going against like eight billion people.  I’m glad I have my faith and that I have followed them for years and k that they are right.  This is rly all I have when it comes to choosing this path.

On the upside, my flat is now tidy.  There is just one area that I need to deal w and then there is not much that needs doing, to be a total neat freak.

I w need to sort out my storage and organise it all.  That w be the next big thing.  I don’t k whether I can do it.  I remember when I w younger.  I organised my dad’s whole tool cupboard.  It w such a mess, something had to be done.

I need to find out that I still have the skill and that I’m not too old now; we will see.

It feels so good to live in a tidy place.  I am thinking that I c be on youtube now.  I c have people over.  It is rly making me feel good inside.

I’m so grateful that the girl from my housing association, made me talk to the girl who helped me to tidy up.

It’s a continuing thing tho, I must carry on doing the work that she gives me, and actually the good news is that my whole place needs doing.  This means that I get more of this feeling.

It shows me that it’s not good to go against people when they are rly assertive w me.  She w adamant that I needed help.  She said that I w struggling; and I w.  Tho if people don’t push, Ima not listen.

I have my social connections and it is rly working well atm.  Yes I do feel like I need to be more busy tho I just can’t at the moment; I need to get used to my life as it is before I go changing anything.  My friend told me that I need to do it in stages.

At least I have making changes to how tidy my place is to concentrate on.  That w allow me to feel that I am doing something.

It’s funny bc sitting in a tidy home makes me feel that everything is right w the world, w my world.  It just feels that I am where I want to be; even when it comes to the amount of feelings that I am feeling, and everything.

I w scared that I wouldn’t be able to keep it tidy; tho when it is tidy, what is there to do.  I see that now.

To Having A Tidy Home

Kirsty