Hey

We can do it, we can do it, we can do it; my new mantra.

Ik that Ima do the business.  I feel that I have w it takes.

It w such a nice feeling.  I had it a few swigs into a can of Foster’s.  I kept meditating on the feeling all the way round Ferry Meadows.

In Other News

I also realise that Ima not take away the suffering from my abuser.  I feel that she is a demon who w just using me to accept all her Karma.

I w sitting there suffering in so much pain and she w just not feeling any suffering at all bc I w feeling that I w the evil one.

I felt G shift her punishment onto her and at the same time free me from the suffering of feeling that I w the evil one in that relationship.

I am now okay w her suffering; and I realise that it is my job to allow her G’s punishment.

It is never my job to suffer for people when it is G’s punishment.

I tried this on the bus a while ago.  When people were trying to get narcissistic supply of me; upset me basically so that they never caved in; I w allow them to rip up instead of me; and they did.

I saw it in their body language that they had ripped up bc no one had responded to their narcissistic supply.  This has taught me a lot.

So I do not have to torture myself so that other people do not suffer.  Pretty sad that I have been used this way all my life; and taught that this w my only value; to feel valueless.

I w urge anyone who ever wanted to do anything to go ahead and do it.  Yes it w fail right out the get; tho the trick is to keep at it until the person becomes experienced enough to nail it.

That is where self esteem came from for me; walking round the lake, uttering we can do it we can do it we can do it.  It feels so amazing to feel that Ima do something challenging.

I feel like I have value; so much value.

Again; people suffering bc of G’s punishment; it is not my job to take that suffering off of them.

I had this thought; that Fred West w all about his image of himself driving the Ice Cream van.  That he did it to look a certain way; and when he pulled girls and they doobazried it w him and then they inevitably fell out; and they said that they w let everyone k who he w as a person, and ruin this facade he had, he killed them.

This make me feel that my abuser is dangerous in a similar vein, bc I feel that all that matters to her is her reputation.  Should it be ruined I feel she may kill to protect it.

I’m rly enjoying having beers at the weekend.  I’m keeping it just for the weekend tho.  I tried drinking every day tho this didn’t work for me.

I have my psychiatrist today; tho Idek whether to ask for my medication to be reduced.  Idek whether I want that.  I think I’d be totally safe on less bc this is the same as the injection w I w on for years.

Plus, should I have a relapse I am able to go and ask for help.

I w say to him, bc there w like this guy who I saw when I had a relapse; and he w telling me that he w unable to give me a prescription for more medication.

I want to ask my doctor if it’s okay to ask him to ring him; in this situation.

He walked past just at the right time and w able to give me a script.  Had he not done, I might not even be alive rn.

Idek if I am alive.  I tried to hurt myself, and I w pretty adamant that I wanted it to stick, like many moons ago.  I don’t actually feel that I am alive.

I feel that when I die, there w be this big joke that I wasn’t alive in the first place bc I had died when I did this all those years ago.  I just think I’m alive.

Works for me as long as I get older and fear death, it’s the same.

My abuser doesn’t even k that I feel that she ended me for real.  I got schizophrenia and she fully I feel, just dumped me in a bin; dumped my life in the trash.

She left town and I wasn’t allowed to live w her.  I w totally alone w schizophrenia and when I rang up bc I wasn’t coping and asked for money she got the biggest supply of narcissistic supply you could imagine, devaluing the f out me in the nastiest way possible I felt.  I feel this caused my death.

My brother also had nothing to do w me at this time.  I also feel that he had ASBD.  I feel that everyone just left me to die; even my care coordinator, who never came round and just ignored the things that I needed help w.

Well congratulations, I’m dead.  The only reason I’m not rotting in a grave rn I feel is bc G feels that I didn’t deserve the fate that all these people had laid out for me.

You see, you don’t have to have a gun to be a murderer.  Many people end peoples’ lives; and it’s not even illegal or even frowned upon.

So I should be happy to get old, lose my hearing, lose my sight etc, and maybe eventually die, bc G gave that to me rather than a hole in the ground.

Instead of rotting in the ground; like trash, I walk round Ferry Meadows saying we can do it we can do it we can do it.  I have value bc I tried to achieve or do something and never gave up.

Please, if you feel like trash, don’t give up; and keep never giving up.  It’s the only way to give the Karma back to those who allowed you to die.

Death is not always death of the body, commonly people allow a person to die inside, well before their body stops working and is put in the ground.

Again; the only way to give their Karma back to them and see them suffer; is to never give up.  Boy won’t they look bad for ever letting you live like trash; and G will punish them severely for what they have done, I feel.

The way that you were feeling, or maybe feel atm, is how they w feel, like trash.

To Allowing People To Suffer

Kirsty