Hey

I worked on the business today and it ripped me up.  That’s just a part of the game.

I tried CBD again.  My present psychiatrist doesn’t want me doing it; tho my last one said that it w all be alright as long as I kept it below seventy five milligrams;  that’s about one seventh of a paracetamol tablet.

W is actually quite a large chunk and I don’t have that much.

I w struggling tho w my schizophrenia.  I felt a little freaked out; w I suppose is always gonna happen w THC.

I’m scared; like Idk whether I should be doing it; c it make me ill.

I have the flu tho so needed something.  If not that then it w have been paracetamol.  To me all medications are bad, and I don’t even wanna choose w one.

I have to do some research for the business.  I have to find out if it rly does offer the crazy value that I think it does; compared to the others.

So I must boot up every major brand and find out.

This is good.  It means at least I am doing something.  I just feel scared that I’m not having my landing page approved and that it w f the business.

This is all to the good.

It means that they w not offer me to be a partner w them, unless I learn how to create landing page that customers like, w w mean that I make a lot of money.

In that scenario I make crazy money and just feel rich for like a short while; until I realise that I have to recreate the process again, so that I am safe in case this offer should flop for some reason.

It’s funny how when people do stuff that I don’t want em to; that I end up so much better off; like when I tidied my flat.

My psychiatrist also wanted me to go to therapy; and I kinda struggled w talking my way out of it.  And then bc of how well tidying my flat went; I just said to him, do you think that it w help me.  He said yes; so I said I’ll do it.

I guess I’m kinda cool w people making me do things.  Just hope a boy doesn’t come up to me wanting zha zha zha, bc that I don’t actually want.

I’m nearly at the point where I may want to do that w a girl; tho I just don’t even feel like pervy about it anymore, like yes please, tho I’m not desperate so if it gets weird Ima possibly forget it.

I’ve been making eye contact w some nice girls and saying hi.  I don’t even feel like that desperation when it come to meeting someone.  Ik that one day Ima say hi and it lead to something.

I also have learned to ignore peoples’; opinions.  My friend said that I should come off my medication a little bit; and then I asked someone else and they said to me, wouldn’t you like to be stable for a little bit longer; the answer w yes.

Everyone has a different opinion so why listen to anyone.

I learned that w people w ASBD.  Like they all have a different vibe and expect me to allow their opinion to dominate and obliterate mine.  The every one of them… well they kinda all against each other w opposite opinions; so why listen to any of them.

So I must save every penny that I make from the business; bc it’s gotta carry me till Ima get another offer up and running.  Idk how long that w take, probably forever; like almost a year for this one; or at least over six months.

Ima not think about it rn bc it w scramble my mind.

I have another website for meeting people.  Ima try stuff on there.  Idk whether my Pétanque is going anywhere w the closeness I feel to them.

I love those guys so much and enjoy bowling like f’ery McCluckery; tho I’m just not feeling like I’m connecting w them.

I w never again wait years to feel closeness to someone.  If that connection is not forming, I’m out; the f out.

I also k it likely af that they w sh on me from a great height one day; as well.

In Other News

I bought vinegar sachets.  Well like so what.  Well I’ll tell you.  Everywhere in this town where a n’a eat; their vinegar is all mouldy and tastes like the chips have been up someone’s bum.

So I w have a few sachets in my bag for whenever I eat chips.

I went into the caff.  And I told her; I plucked up the courage; and I told her that one of the chips tastes like yk what.  Ima be real w her bc she is a rly down to earth person.

In fact it w such a buzz being honest w her like that; it w on point.

I w thinking about snobs; or dorks or whatever you wanna call them.

I like the ladies at the knit and natter; tho that caff, I just find it’s a bit stuffy in there ya feel me.

That used to be me.  Thank G I’m not like that anymore.  I suppose it’s possible to recover from being a dorky dorky dorky; kinda snobby person.

Omg That Reminds Me

I w singing last night.  And it w the saucy sh; like Higher and Reverie; by Nathan Dawe and Gorgon City.

And I w so scared that I w in danger af; in my flat.

I just said to myself, let it happen.  If they’re gonna do that, let em get on w it.  Tho I w say, do your worst, I’m not doing that w you.

Yes, I feel frightened in my home like all the time.  Ima keep that to myself so bc I feel they love me and w keep me safe if anyone came in trying to hurt me; like banging on my door trying to get to me.

Someone doing that wouldn’t last two seconds; the whole estate w run them out of here.

I suppose in that moment I let go of fear.  It felt good; tho I w scared at the same time.

To Letting Go Of Fear

Kirsty