Hey

C I rly be this evil; I had this dream where I’m pleading w this n’a guy; I’ve saturated my soul w bad things please hide me.

Is this why I feel like Ima die all the time; bc I feel that I am worthless; evil; I am panicking bc of how worthless I feel.

On the upside; I have learned that people are people; and should I get in sh, they w help me out.

This is rly around the business.

I have to just hit the throttle and try and make some money and try and make a go of it.

If anything goes wrong; and I lose all money and need help; I feel they got me.  I feel like they wouldn’t let anything happen to me.

I put this down to being more in tune and aware of what goes on in peoples’ hearts.

This creates a feeling of closeness; akin w other people.  It’s a super nice feeling.

I w on the phone to a girl from the department of work and pensions.  She said that if the business makes money I have to have that income as my main income.

So Ik that I am doing the right thing by just risking it all w the business; and that they w catch me.

This feeling is overwhelming.  It is called secure attachment; and it is basically the difference between a normal person and a narcissist.

I guess I’m no longer a narcissist; w is nice.  I finally dub me no longer a psychopath.  I can’t be, being aware that I am looked after.

Then, after I had realised this, there w this woman from the poetry group, saying to me that she w like, they w like, to have me there next month.  I felt physically moved, emotionally moved.

C I rly have escaped the jaws of narcissism; that is supposed to be a rly hard thing to do.

My psychologist said of me,  right out the get, that I wasn’t bc of the work I w putting into healing; from anxiety attacks; well actually they were panic attacks.

She w right.  No wonder she said that it w a pleasure working w me.

I want to send her a letter; just an email to say that I’m now securely attached; I just wanted her to know.

This is w gives me the power to give the business a go; the fact that I feel they w catch me if I fall.

Idek what to do w the way I feel rn.

This must be the closeness I needed when I wrote my last blog.

It came from me feeling my feelings; like when I wrote my last blog, and I w saying how I felt that there were a lot of oafish people in this town; and that Idk whether to leave.

I w angry and I let it out.

I looked up accommodation in Elephant Park, tho it w too sterile for me.  It felt of nothing and I wondered why I ever wanted to move there.

Disappointed I just let go of that dream.

There’s this strong feeling w~i me and it’s how people care about me.  I w never be the same again.

I never had this feeling when I w a kid.  I felt that at school, if I slipped and didn’t get my maths, that they w not help me.

This w typical of what I expected from people.

Not feeling that the w help me, I left A Levels.  I must have been a narcissist; tho not a narcissist tho like a narcissist.

I suppose the influence of my abuser, just kept me tied to feeling like people couldn’t give a rat’s ass about me.

I’ve been on a real journey of healing while following J’s commandments and it has led me here.

C this be heaven.

C this be a miracle that has worked its magic w~i me, from the words spoken by a dude, an angel two thousand years ago.

I’m not autistic.  I feel my feelings.  I feel that it w all the abuse, life changing abuse of someone w ASBD; maybe even a whole family of people w that condition.

To Feeling Securely Attached

Kirsty