Hey

I slept rly well last night.

My neighbours were arguing like F’ery.  It w so loud that it w too loud for me and I had to put my headphones in.

I went down Ferry Meadows and had my beer, w w nice.  The weather w super; and it w actually quite warm.

The jacket I want from The North Face is forty percent off and I didn’t know so it may have sold out.  I’m scared that I might not be able to get it after checking on it for months.

Like when life slaps me in the fact, I just have to move on.

Like when I lost an iPhone 15 Pro Max; and the insurance couldn’t be claimed on bc they hadn’t received payment, when I had actually updated my payment method for Apple.

Sometimes a bi be taking these things on the chin, yk.

I w listening to old music like Freewheelin by Jack Wins.  I also sang a song by Bebe Rexa w might be one that I sing when I am out; I like to sing for people.

I have just taken extra Curcumin.  I feel this compound is an anti ageing one.  All anti ageing drugs work through the hedgehog pathway; and so does Curcumin.

I believe that in the future they w realise that it w an anti ageing molecule.

I want to have twice the neurons in my brain; just like teenagers.  I want that reality.  I want to totally feel okay in myself.

I have to say that I am a long way there, atm.

I am craving like something to give me a buzz.  I don’t like this feeling.

I gave up alcohol bc it made me feel this way.  It became more of a need than a pleasure around this.

People w say to me that if I drank that early in the morning then I w in trouble; tho I never had a second pint.

My neck is burning.  It’s the flush off of Nicotinic Acid; It hurts.

Ik now that I am not a narcissist; tho I still feel like a psychopath.  Why do I feel this way.  Obs bc it’s a lifetime of abuse and I just have to feel in any situation like I am the problem.

I collapsed into shame yesterday, even tho I am securely attached.  I w f up, tho I w still okay.  I enjoyed pétanque in spite of this.

I fantasised about just saying to them; I’ve lost it; I might do that; and continue that it’s a part of my illness.

It’s hard being human being.  There is lots of stuff to watch out for.  I have these dehumanisations in my mind towards everyone.

I feel that is how my abuser controlled my empathy.  The problem w that it made me stupid and I couldn’t listen to what people were saying.  Essentially, I w dumb.  The words w not go into my mind so that I c not hear them.

They will be trying to force their way into my mind like all the time and I w be spending all of my effort trying to keep them out.

They’re definitely psychopathic; bc they are one hundo the type of things that people w ASBD say.

Still not able to validate that I w the one being abused in that situation.  Intellectually Ik it; tho emotionally I don’t feel it.

I w rationalise it in this way.  Ik that a person is only as good as the five best people that they fw.  If I want the business to survive; well I have lots of people who have the self esteem to pull of a good life.

Should I go back to her my self esteem w be destroyed and the business w be over; the gaslighting and abuse, making me out to be the problem.  It’s rly the most toxic thing in this context.  They are the worst people I c be around.

I feel like it w do me incredible damage to be around them.

Tho w secure attachment Ik that I don’t need them.  I’ll just have to let the CPFT got me.

I w saying this, that if the business fail and I am helpless they w pick me up.

Ik people are human now; it changes everything.

I used to feel that I needed sex to be securely attached.  This is not true.  I got there w~o.  I felt this incredible pressure to pick someone up.  I am relieved that that is over now.

I am very lucky to have the life I have; where I have lots to do and lots of people to be around; tho I feel like they are not the right people for me.  I don’t ever see myself being close to them.

It’s a dead end relationship.  I’ve been in one before.  That means that there are people out there who are more closely matched to me; and I w be more fulfilled fw them.

To Finding My People

Kirsty