Hey

I felt my emotions yesterday.

I went to see my friend; and I told her that I felt like G w destroy me bc of the way I spoke to him.  She said don’t be so stupid.

It w right at that point that I realised.  It’s bc my mom smothered me as a baby, I feel.

It’s like I’m being threatened not to talk to people, on penalty of death; w is the hand coming over my mouth and cutting off my air.

I spoke to her tho.  I told her how I felt; and bc of her reaction I realised how ridiculous it is for me to feel this way.

Nevertheless I c help but feel this way all day, tho death never came.

Every time I feel this way I realise that death doesn’t come.

Tho, yes; that threat of death if a memory of my mom threatening to kill me, I feel.

Just to be clear, I feel she did this bc I felt my emotions and cried, shared them and that wasn’t okay w her.

I have been bottling them up all my life.

It started when I w ring the Samaritan’s, can’t praise them enough, they are the sh.

I had to.  I w feeling suicidal several times a week.  I had no choice but to open up and say how I w feeling.

It freed me somewhat tho there w a problem.  I couldn’t share any of these things w my friends, if I c call them that.

So I w still bottling things up for years after that.

I remember when I started saying how I felt, it w at work.

My boss told me that she didn’t know anyone who w as in touch w their feelings as me, tho I still had a long way to go.

I feel now that the spell has been lifted.

I have therapy soon.

I w talking to this lovely girl from the Samaritans, and she told me that it w important for me to tell my therapist that I w scared to open up to the people in therapy; that it might not do me much good as I felt they were a threat.

She told me that therapy can be painful at times, and that it w also take a long time and I shouldn’t expect relief overnight.

I just have this feeling that if I speak Ima offend someone.  That is w I need to work on.

It felt horrendous and that is w I must work on; that when a feeling is that bad that I share it.

Then there’s worry/judging.

People do this w racism; they try to work out racism and figure out who is to blame; for example.

It’s this type of thinking, trying to figure things out that I feel is actually perpetuating my illness; asking myself is it this, is it that, could this be right, could that be right.

The problem is that I feel I w forced into being an intelligent person, someone w~o that pressure I w never have been.

I’ve got to let go of being smart and trying to figure everything out.

This is also another thing that is stopping me from feeling my feelings.  The anxiety of wondering stupid stuff covers my feelings and prevents me from being fully present.

I w never supposed to be smart or have autism.  I reject the intelligence.  I reject the autism.

I only don’t feel my feelings bc thinking all the time is covering them up; and bc I have been abused and trained to fully reject them.

It’s not autism is ASBD abuse.

People w ASBD despise emotion, and I w trained to feel the same; to be cold.  Therefore it’s not autism it’s psychopathy.

So I w fully embrace my emotions and go to therapy so that Ima get right into them and tell the people in the group how I feel.  I’m looking forward to it as it w bring in a new me, a me I have been trying to be all my life.

I w at that point be a real person and feel fully alive; can’t wait.

Tho again, like I said, therapy w take a long time.

I feel that the feeling that has given me schizoeffective disorder is that smothering.  I feel that therapy w help me to recover from it.  It is the crux of my anxiety and my anxiety is w causes that illness in me.

I feel I am working through it as I am able now to feel that Ima be destroyed as opposed to just feeling like Ima die.

I feel that getting to the bottom of the feeling w cause it to kinda evaporate and leave.

To Therapy

Kirsty