Hey

So I had Pétanque today.  It w all good and I w having a good time; tho at some point, towards the end I started feeling super ill; Idek if I w get home.

The feeling went away and then came back when the girl from my housing association w here.

She is nice; and she gave me more time to tidy up.  It’s now every two weeks not every week.

I cried in front of her bc I w upset w feeling like Ima die all the time.

I felt my feelings once more.  I got angry at people I felt were looking at me like I w trash.

I feel it’s a very narcissistic town and people are just like that.

The things that hurt so much w the more they did it the more angry I got, and the more I w pi off the more they did it.  I w just asking to be left the f alone; tho this made them do it more.

This is the reason I used to go to London, I wanted to just get out of this town I feel is horrible.

Then eventually this girl stared at me, and I ripped a little bit; so when I got to pétanque I wasn’t best pleased.  I rly dislike the people in this town.

Tho like I said I had a good time.

I rly want people who w validate my feelings when I am pi off and not deny my experience, tho this is hard to find; here.

I’ve spoken to many people at the Samaritans and they do validate tho everyone I have spoken to here, every single one of them, the don’t; another reason why sometimes I just want to get the hell out of here.

I need being validated like the air that I breathe and I feel like I can’t breather and I just need air.  There is nobody here Ima fw.  I feel so f lonely.

On the upside, feeling my feelings has allowed me to feel alive af; especially w the weather being so nice; and the people I fw and the groups I go to I’m super grateful for bc they allow me to feel this way; it’s super nice.

I had people staring at me on the way back w is super rude.  Like there’s literally a saying, it’s rude to stare to there they go; and some of these people are people I have told that I don’t like it.

I’m rly glad that I felt my feelings; it’s important.  I have to communicate w the guys at pétanque bc I am playing w them and we need to be a team; tho I couldn’t do this when I w too scared to speak; now I can.

So I get how feelings are important.

I felt super attractive as well, w w nice.

I feel I am at a level of feeling my feelings that I w like to stay at.  Just out of curiosity, it’s not something that a n’a have to do more and more, is it.

I imagine that there’s like a plateau where it just works best, w is where I feel I am.

I must stay humble and Ima not do that if I am acting like I am better than other people; that is what made me stop; I just wasn’t comfortable w that; just like feeling racist yesterday made me stop.

Tho I went for it a little more bc I w on YouPer and it told me that I w brave for feeling my feelings so I thought it must be a rly important thing to do.

And the guy at pétanque said that there w nothing w w me bc I got pi off; w I kinda got stuck on for a while, while other people were talking.  It made me so happy to hear it.

I feel I need older people who are down w contemporary psychology and the need to validate; if there are none then younger people.  Tho I am super happy w my life atm.

The girl I w talking to… she asked me about when I saw my psychiatrist.  I told her about the occupational therapy and that I didn’t think it c work w me feeling like Ima die all the time.

This is another product of me feeling my feelings.  It has done me so much good.  Would highly recommend.

So relieved after so long of being scared to.  Now I’ve done it and I w never go back; ever.

My psychiatrist thinks that my schizophrenia is caused by me not feeling my feelings.  Ik that I have done such a good thing there; it makes me so happy.  I’m delighted w myself.

To Being Delighted W Myself

Kirsty