Hey

I had a good day today.  It’s just these spring vibes; and I feel that cleaning my home has led to these feelings.

I remember this post on Tumblr like years ago.  It said don’t underestimate the ability of tidying your flat, to un f your head.

I’m flabbergasted as to how much it has helped.

It c also be that I have been feeling my emotions.  Not to mention these groups I have been doing to, being the people who just elevate me by being the five best people in my life.

I had a beer down Ferry Meadows.  It w nice.  It’s nice to be able to handle all the people walking past; and by people I mean gorgeous girls.

I did my washing; my white stuff.  I now have t shirts to wear; and my white fleece is done.

I have to commend that fleece on its ability to stay white when going months w~o being washed.

I told someone at pétanque about how I w scared to run the business bc it w mean the end to the support I have.

I suppose that it w do a similar thing to cleaning my home; it w just make me feel so much better in myself; it’s one of those healthy things to do, super healthy.

It’s good that I don’t need someone pushing me into it.  After the flat, Ik that things can make that much difference.  I may even feel one hundo real in myself, w w be just dope af.

It may lead to an end to my schizophrenia, and probably w.  I need to be real about what I am getting into here.

Should my schizophrenia end I w need no kinda help anyway.

C this rly be happening.  Yes.  All these things w mean that I w stop feeing like Ima die all the time.

It’s kinda backwards.  Like I may feel that I need to stop feeling like Ima die before supporting myself, tho I don’t; tho it’s the other way round.  I start supporting myself and I w stop feeling like Ima die.

Ik this is real.  I feel it; literally in my bones.

I feel that when I tidy my flat totally; I w feel that I love living here; atm I hate it, and I blame it on the people not being a good fit for me, w is absolute bu sh.

I have to tidy up every two weeks and the lady who asks me to do it, has she any idea how much she is changing my life.

W~o tidying my flat there w no way that I w have been able to hit play on the business bc I w not have felt the things that I feel rn; so it’s kinda trippy that someone came along and helped at this particular time.

It’s allowed me to take the leap to supporting myself; it has saved me.

She looks over my flat and says, it looks like you’re struggling.  No sh I say in hindsight.

It just feels so f amazing.  I never want this feeling to stop and it won’t.

I have been abused all my life and have been used to feeling like sh all the time.

This is a new experience for me, feeling good and accepting it as the everyday experience; normal.

That it is normal to feel good, I swear that I never k that; all my life.  It’s pretty dope that now I do.

And I put it down to J’s commandments.  They have got me here.

Five years ago I w broken to sh, and had no feelings at all, apart from searing emotional pain from cutting off my feelings by ruminating right into panic attacks 24/7.

Now I accept that feeling good is a normal thing.

I feel my abuser is a fiend for dehumanising me.  It’s not just emotional abuse it’s the need to smash me to fragments, where I am totally and utterly destroyed.  That is the only existential state she can tolerate for me, I feel.

I’m just trying’ a validate my need to not go back to being abused again; and losing all that I have earned.

Now I have my feelings I w never choose her needs over mine when it come to me feeling dead inside.

I feel it when J say don’t throw your pearls to swine.  Some people are like squealing animals.

To Feeling W I Need To Do

Good Job I Decided To Feel My Feelings

Kirsty