Hey

I’m starting to grow a picture of life; from a productive person’s point of view.

Working and like taking care of my home; is w most people do, and they get to feel like whole people bc of it.  This has just dawned on me.

Idk this bc I w working; and I w being abused at the same time; so I never got to feel like I w doing all the right things in life.

I had no idea that contributing to society is w made people feel like whole people.

Now Ik.

So no matter what happens and what I am capable of doing, my goal is to fully support myself.  This is the only way I w feel like a whole person.

I feel that should I lean into that goal; w w actually come true is that I cure myself of schizophrenia; and that w be w allows me to fulfil my dream of having the ability to do that, and have the peace that comes w it.

As it is I may have the best of both worlds, not working many hours and being able to feel like that.

My feelings rn, just breathing in w it w be like to support myself.

I wanna feel like a whole person so badly.  Like I say, I never did.  I w working and just felt horrendous emptiness.  I never got to feel the value I should feel from that.  I never got to feel like I w worth sh.

On the attractiveness front, I feel like I have achieved looks.

Many people experience this at some time in their life; and then lose it.

I feel this is down to behaviour.  I feel that having too strong boundaries w narcissists and people w ASBD; w rob me of this; that’s how I feel.

I feel like I am doing everything right in my life rn; and that any change w lead to me losing it.

It’s hard to k.  It’s hard to k what the Bible means when it says don’t resist an evil person; tho I w say that shutting them down completely suffices as such.

Evil people w go bat sh; should they lose power; they w kill; so logical to think that they w find a way to ruin someone who poses that threat.  And they have no empathy so won’t find it too hard.

I opt of owning that they are holding all the cards and anything else is error.

Scary that nothing can be done about them tho I choose to believe that this is the truth.

I, however do believe in a zero tolerance policy towards abuse.  I feel there is room for both.

Tho people w ASBD’a twist the narrative like a pretzel; upset everyone; and suddenly no one k what they think about it anymore.

In Other News

I may be scared to hit go on the business; tho feeling like I w love to support myself and make it my goal makes it a lot easier.

What if it doesn’t make any money.  What if it makes money so I lose my support; and then stops making money.  What if it only makes enough for me to lose my support, and then I have to live on that amount.

None of these issues rly concern me.  Emotions are like insanity; they w drive a person to do anything; especially if it is the right thing to do; regardless of risk.

I’m not saying that I have w it takes to make that leap; just that I hope I do.

As the time draws near to me being accepted to work w them; my feelings are throwing out some strange stuff.

I now accept that I do not have ASBD.  I feel too much for that; and bc I followed my psychiatrist’s advice that I needed to feel my feelings.

I c never go back, bc they have guided me on exactly w to do in this situation.  Tbh I feel they are working just fine.

I don’t think that someone w autism w have inside w I feel.

I just hope that I lose my intelligence; that I no longer am that smart.  I’m rly hoping for that.  It just feels bad to…

I get these dehumanisations of people in my head.  I feel that they allow me to be smart.  I feel being smart needs empathy to be shut down.  I no longer want the ability to dehumanise people like this, and therefore hope that my intelligence reduces.

Tho more I suppress it the more it should go away, my intelligence along w it.

You see I never should have been that smart.  I w manipulated into it through abuse.  It’s not who I am; it has to go.

Tbh I don’t even like smart people.

And there is no need for intelligence when there is authenticity.  They both work exactly the same; except the ideas that come from authenticity serve the world better.

To Changing My Mind

Kirsty