Hey

I just woke up from a dream.

There w this girl on the roof who w like a mythical creature.  I w in this office block.

Then I w in the back gardens; and there w this one house that had a bin outside.  I went to put something in the bin, and I found this radio playing content from the house of commons.

I thought how decisions and the law w made by these people, like they were the ultimate in power. 

Then I w in this restaurant and w gonna be given everything; tho Trump came in and they had to attend to him; and then I woke up.

Also I felt like my mom said something to turn people against me, right in front of me, w she normally does when we have company.

I suppose that my mind accepts that I w be powerful.

Being the most powerful in government is one way of being powerful tho there is another; it is inventing stuff.  that way Ima change the world to my liking.

I keep having erotic dreams also.

I feel that pop stars are pervs.  I feel that the only reason they bang on about sex all the time is bc they are f up on drugs.

They worship it like telling lies that if you have it you’re gonna meet G or something.

I remember when I w into porn; and it w when I had super duper low self esteem.

I have also had sex and I didn’t meet G.  Again, I feel it’s all lies, and they’re messed up.

Imo the more healthy a person gets emotionally the less bothered they are about sex.  My neighbour w getting railed like f’ery; and I didn’t even bat an eyelid.

I feel being sexually attractive is about not being affected by sex and hot girls.  I mean y, they’re hot af, tho it’s about not giving a sh.

That’s how Ik I’m hot, bc sex doesn’t touch me.

Ik this guy who said some girls when they walked down the street you could see w they had for breakfast.  I feel he w a perv.  I mean all you can see is their ass.

He also used to say that it w their fault if they got taken advantage of, bc of dressing provocatively; w I feel is indicative of him being a disgusting person.

Nobody has the right to tell someone w to wear bc they can’t handle their feelings around that.

In Other News

So me feeling my feelings is just me talking sh about people; or rather thinking sh about people.

This is important; like my friend.  I w never see him for who he is unless I thought sh about him.  I feel he’s a dirty old man.

I thought all people in the army were psychopaths.

I met these two guys, soldiers; and they were not.  This is just based on my friend.  I guess I had to devalue the whole profession bc he w such a psychopath that I had trauma from being around him for so long.

I had to tell myself that they were all f up.

These two guys tho were completely normal.  I mean, they’re probably traumatised like f like me, tho normal aside from that.

I’m thoroughly confused about how to deal w abusive people.

Like w my friend I daren’t stand up to him.  Like I felt it just wouldn’t work out; tho I guess psychology says strong boundaries w people who are abusive, or my self esteem w go down the toilet.

I honestly don’t k how to deal w them; and it scares the f out of me.

Hopefully when I have listened to my feelings long enough I w k what to do; Idk.

I never stood up to my mom all my life bc she w a full psychopath w no emotion whatsoever, I feel.  The only time I heard her cry w when she w devaluing the f out of me.  She w threatening me w how upset she w, I feel.

I am no longer a baby tho; and Ima stand up to people if I want.  I just don’t k if it ever works out.

I need to talk to people and find out.

I do k that people have to watch their sh around people like that and that there is no choice but to allow them to be a bully.

I had someone tell me that one day I w be able to handle confrontation w anyone; I wonder if this is true.

To Figuring Sh Out

Kirsty