Hey

I felt super angry yesterday.  I felt that someone had ratted on me.

I told the company I wanted to partner w, who I w be placing ads in front of; and hey presto, like magic there appeared four sets of ads.

I now have to find other places to post ads and other offers to run.

Ima never tell the company I’m working for where I’m putting my ads.

I felt my feelings and it worked; I felt connected to the people I w bowling w.

This is fantastic, this is exactly w I wanted.

My psychiatrist told me to do this.  He felt that maybe I w autistic and unable to feel my feelings.  I’ve proved that one wrong.

It’s about feeling people are bad people if they upset me.

I feel that this town is full of oafish people who try and get narcissistic supply off me when they see me coming on my scooter.  I feel it’s quite an evil town.

When they are doing this to me, I w get angry with them.  I w imagine that I have a megaphone and that I am screaming perv in the ear of everyone I ride past; and that is all of them, that’s why I hate it here.

Actually, the whole of yesterday there were two men who were not pervs; that’s all there was.

I managed to salvage the offer that w ruined, tho I w only be able to make one tenth of the money as a result.

It feels like everyone in this town is a pathological narcissist.  They all act like I owe them something when I ride past them, I feel.

Like I say tho I still feel close to the people I bowl w.

It’s about the dehumanisations in my mind, I don’t do it anymore.  It feels like the same things that someone w ASBD w say.

It’s part of my mind that I don’t want to use anymore and am trying to shut down.

I feel this is the part of my mind that my abuser used to shut down my empathy; so I want it the hell gone.

My memory is also shut the hell down as I panic when I am trying to remember something.  I feel I have been done untold damage when an infant, baby actually.

I feel that through gaslighting me she broke both my awareness of her psychopathy, my memory and my empathy.

My memory still doesn’t work, I get confused.  This is hard to deal w, that she hurt me so bad.

My ability to comprehend came back tho when I moved out.  I w read and understand both text and what people said; so hopefully my memory w heal, tho tbh I doubt it; the damage is just too great.

It’s easy to get angry at people in this town.  It feels like they are trying to continue the fact that I let people take advantage of me, w is absolutely horrid.

When I cycle round I feel that they are all trying to push me down to being someone who can easily be used.  It’s horrid.  Again, I feel that they are all pathological narcissists, and that there is no one sane in this town fr.

I feel there is no chance of me meeting someone, bc there just isn’t anyone who isn’t a horrible person, a user.

I want to move out to London bc there is no way I w go out w anyone from this town.

I’m scared of drawing close to the people I do clubs w incase I end up stuck here.

That’s also my safety gone of not losing my support.  The ads money I have w have netted me forty grand and it w give me a cushion so that I c take some time and find other offers and built web pages.

Now it w only make me four grand w won’t do that.  It w just lose me the support I have and then I w be stuck.  G it stressed me out writing that line.

Idk how to deal I truly don’t.

Let’s look at this.  So if it w have made me fourty grand then I need ten times as much ad money.

Maybe Ima build up my savings by running offers and then I w be able to run an offer full tilt and break free of the support I have.

Maybe it’s better this way.  I w have more experience of running offers when I am let go of.

Idk bc is it better that I broke my leg, and tore my thigh up; not rly.  I’m getting into some dark territory here.

Idk; that’s why I got so upset that someone had ratted me out; and yk what, they never even responded to the email I sent.

Something always goes wrong in business; that’s business.  I’m tired of figuring sh out all the time yk.  I am getting tired.  I need an offer that runs.

I need to feel that this business model does make money.  I need to feel secure in w I am doing.  I just wanna feel like life has got me, yk.

Tho I do feel close to my friends w is good.  My empathy is working.  I feel so happy that I get mad at people.  I’m starting to understand that they are not very nice people.

When I’m riding down the street and I’m upset all they care about is themselves and stealing a good feeling off me, and leaving me feeling used, I feel.  It’s absolutely horrid.

We’re dealing w broken people here, w no sense of peace whatsoever; and it’s the whole town; people who just want to feel good even for a moment and w use me to experience that, at my expense, driving me more and more crazy w every person I ride past using me like that.

It’s super basic and I’m done w it.

To Seeing People For Who They Are

Kirsty