Hey

Ima not do any work on Sunday; it is the sabbath.  This is driving me crazy bc I want to post my ads.

I long for a little bit more money; so that Ima not be watching the pennies so much and Ima buy myself some nice things.  I also want to be supporting myself.

Ik that the CPFT have got me if anything goes wrong.  It’s a little bit scary.  It feels this way bc all my life I have thought that no one gave a sh about me; that they c literally let me die and not care.

I’m so glad for the groups I have joined that have helped me to see that people do care.  It w a very cold world that I came from.

Someone tried to urge me to go back; to the abuse.  I said that should I do that I feel that it w undo all the work I have been doing on myself and that her main objective all her life has been to destroy me, and that it w be stupid.  I guess she is just evil.

I am loving the thought of doing the litter pick.  It w give me the chance to meet some new people.  I have been on one before and it w mostly younger people w w nice.  I don’t like the older people, the way they gaslight w I say.

Younger people are just nicer in the way they are more open minded.  Older people w just shut me down when I am saying something; it is their way.  I go feeling that I am not being heard and this is a horrible feeling when I am trying to feel close to people.

The thought of meeting some new people rly excites me.  I may find someone who I rly vibe w especially seens they are younger.

Ik there is somewhere for me to lock my scooter down there as w w w help.

It’s also my happy place.  I have been down to the rowing lake a few times in the last few days and it feels nice; just like I remember it from my youth.

It’s funny bc the world never changes.  It’s still the same world we live in that we had when I w younger.

The only thing that changes is that people don’t gaslight w people say nowadays; they are like I say more open minded.  Apart from that it feels like the same world.

Another thing that has changed is my ability to find an online income.  This has also made the world better so it is all round a better world.

I used to think that the eighties were so nice, sublime to this paradigm is better.  I guess when Ima feel all my feelings Ima k that.

I feel my feelings coming in and my world becoming more real.  Ik this w happen.  I feel the world getting close to me and more real and it’s a super exciting time for me; like I say as Ik that it is a better world than the one I came from.

I w in the Jobcentre and she cared so much about me it w lovely; to be treated that way.  That is something that the past just didn’t have.

I rly love the world I’m living in even tho I can’t feel all the vibes.  Omg it is such a dope place.

Ik it’s up to me to defend myself from people trying to manipulate me, and I do this by feeling my feelings.  My friend said that why don’t I go and see my abuser and when I told her how I felt she backed off.

It w such a good thing that I felt my feelings bc other wise I w not be able to do this; basically I w have no boundaries; and end up back in abuse.

I feel that is always a danger w older people, being manipulated; tho they are such nice people I w not be w~o them.

The vibe of the knit and natter is so nice, I love it so much.  I feel like I am not depressed when I am there; and they are all such a bunch of warm and welcoming people.  They accept me as I am w~o judgement and I love it, I love them.

That’s why I want to meet more people.  I just love people and want to be around them more; I guess this means more people.  I feel that the people I have rn only want to be around me for the time that we are together.

I c definitely spend more time around people.  I am actually not around them that much, like about ten hours a week.

I feel I c be a lot closer to someone new than I am w the people I am with rn.  It is the closeness that I want.  Like I say I want to be validated when I speak not shut down.

I value the f out of the people I am w tho.  I have got to the stage of the business that I am at bc of them; Ima be real about it.  W~o them I couldn’t have done it, I w not have made the business profitable.

They have lifted me up and allowed me to feel lots of self esteem, and to feel good about myself and that I am a worthwhile human being.

I have been allowed to believe in my abilities, and have faith that I have the value to add to the business.  They are the best.

They have changed my life and given me self esteem w I am eternally grateful for.  It is something that I never had before and it is super nice to be discovering it for the first time.

I feel like I am a new person and I am a new person, forever changed for meeting good people, and being away from someone I feel is downright evil; two people actually.

I have finally got to a level where I am worthy of being around nice people after five years of being around the wrong ones who I feel have destroyed my completely to bolster their fragile lack of self esteem.

Me feeling completely and utterly worthless w all the proof they needed of their superiority I feel; very sick people; and they did that to me for that purpose.

Basically they destroyed me to make themselves feel better, I feel; how sick that sounds I just can’t get over.

To Nice People

Kirsty