Hey

I just fw Youper

I realise that I need to teach people how I want to be treated.

If I want more empathy in our relationships I need to start with asking them to give me space to feel overwhelmed; and that I need someone to listen.

This will create a deeper connection between us.

I’m scared that this w be bad and that it won’t benefit me; tho I will give it a go as an experiment.

After all, should I say something that they are not comfortable w, I w w them to say so; in a respectful way.

I remember just getting downright attacked for someone taking what I said the wrong way and I w like to get in there first and create space for us to say how we feel while having empathy towards each other’s feelings.

I plan to show them how to do this.

I have already made a start by just showing when I feel overwhelmed

People tend to react well to this and give me the space I need.

To be honest I think I’m doing pretty well and don’t deem it appropriate for me to worry about how I am going to do it or what it w look like.

I just seem to feel that I need to say something sometimes; like when I don’t I am left feeling wronged; that I should have said something tho Idk what.

I feel this w make me feel a happier person.  I should value our friendship’s more should there be space for us to have more empathy for each other.

I think the only thing I need to kind of get straight first is that my first word should be please.  Then I can go on to explain that I appreciate the help tho… and then tell them where they are saying that I’m thinking or doing something tho they are wrong about me; that’s not w is going on inside me.

Yk; the problem is is that I just like to go along w people.  I’m addicted to it.  I have done it all my life bc there w no other option w someone w ASBD; tho it’s time that for the sake of my own empathy that I start giving people the chance to be more attuned to my needs.

I guess I don’t rly want to believe, or didn’t, that they have any kind of empathy at all; and me not voicing my needs perpetuated that, w I w kinda cool w bc I have never known  any different.

I guess it’s comfortable and kinda nice; tho I want to be more in tune w my feelings and stuffing them down all the time is not the way to do it.

Every time a learn about psychology I am always resulting in having more empathy for having done so; and I learned from my psychiatrist that I may have problems feeling my feelings.

He wants me to feel my feelings more bc he feels that it w help my schizophrenia.

This makes a certain amount of sense in regards to how much it has helped me just allowing myself to feel what I am feeling; to get angry about things and explore what it is that I am feeling.

I realise that I am shut off and that I need to be more open.

I always thought that me not being open w their fault and that I needed to find people who were safe to be open with.

Tho I have reached a certain amount of safety; and can now… I have wiggle room to say how I feel a little.

This should open up a channel for me to just be, eventually, way more open; gradually showing them how I have needs and allowing them to meet them.

Emotionally I rly have the need to not be manipulated; and Ima show them that I feel overwhelmed and am easily railroaded.

When they empathise w my inability to cope w it, they probably will give me more room to be the judge of what is right for me; and to just ask them to take a step back for a moment while I explain why I’m not comfortable w that.

I feel good even talking about it; and I am so happy that it w foster connection between us as I am voicing who I rly am as a person.

I suppose one thing I could say is that I’m not comfortable with that; and then say how I feel around it.  I have done it before and I realise now that it w the right thing to do.  I w unsure for a while so I guess I have grown a little; and boy I need to grow bc I have been held back emotionally all my life, I feel.

I feel like a small child who can’t stand up to anyone and doesn’t even know how to.

I was overwhelmed with how fast I needed to catch up so’s not to get taken advantage of; and w have panic attacks bc of just feeling so scared; a child in a world of adults.

It w horrendous and I never want to go through that again and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Tho I want to be practical about it and the truth is that to grow up like ten years worth takes a lot of time.  Ima be real w ya’ll, it actually takes ten years and there is no getting around that.

I suppose that it why narcissists never recover.  It is bc it takes twenty years for them to be able to say vulnerably how they feel and they just won’t last that long; the worst w happen w~o complete control of people.

I guess from that situation there is just no going back.  They lash out like a child bc that is who they are.

I never lashed out, and that w risky af; all water under the bridge now.

How I got here in one piece boggles my mind; tho I have a broken leg and a horrendous scar, all prices I paid for going it on my own, away from the abuser, I feel.

To Healing.  I Get The Medal.

Kirsty