Hey

I’m back

So I had pétanque this morning.

I just wanna, wanted to, rip that offer down.  All of my being w saying, this aint gonna work.

I had a revelation tho.  I’ve just stopped thinking.  I’m always analysing stuff, every thought wondering about things, worrying even.  I stopped.  I have found peace since I did that; and it’s helped me to not worry about the offer as well.

I need more things to talk about.  Could I be depressed; or w it the weather, and the fact that I w cold.  All this insecurity w~i me saying that people don’t like me and that I’m boring.

I think the truth is is that alls I need to do is be there to spice things up.  With so much character, do I need to say anything.

I’m hoping that I’m more fun to be around when I have made a ton of money.

The offer is highly scaleable.  If it makes normal money it should bring in like six figures a month, when scaled.

That’s if the return on ad spend peeps above the cost of ads enough, to be like w w be called a normal offer.

Actually my click through rate is well down so it w only be five figures a month.  So that’s at least ten juicy af grand a month.

Omg Ima be loaded; swanning around in a Benz.

So it’s rly seeing if the system is profitable against the cost of ads.

Well I’ve done it; I’ve run an offer; the main thing that means that people don’t even get started in this biz.

It w funny how sure I w that I w make money; until I posted the ads, then I felt like w the f am I doing, I need to yank this offer; talk about lack mentality.

I suppose I have to deal w my demons and the ones that say I just won’t ever be successful.

Things come up, like the feeling Ima die; w I feel comes from being smothered as a baby and thinking that every moment w be my last.

So yea, feelings come up, things come up that need to be dealt with; and then hopefully when I have learned that it is feelings that come from abuse Ima let it go.

The sun is shining and it’s all good in the hood.

I didn’t go walking down Ferry Meadows; I’m not feeling very well today.

Also I noticed that I w feel that Ima die when I had bad feelings about my mother.  I suppose that when I w a baby I felt that I w be killed when I had bad thoughts about her and had to push them down so far that I became f up as an adult, royally so.

It’s called a schit; when  baby has to blind themselves to the bull sh their mother is putting them through and it is w causes the trauma; the fact that as an adult the person can’t see when people are taking the pi.

It is a normal part of empathy to see when people are being abusive and w~o it it means an empathy problem.

My psychiatrist thought that I w autistic and I get it.  I kept thinking and wondering things all the time w w stopping me from feeling my empathy; that’s why I knocked it on the head; and yes I feel my feelings more now, my empathy.

I thought that I needed to feel my feelings in order to experience full empathy tho w I rly need to do is stop thinking all the time bc it shuts down the pathway that feels.

Now my feelings should come through w~o me even trying f hard to feel them.  I guess I did it the other way round.

I didn’t want to go to therapy.  I thought being emotionally abused by a bunch of seriously ill people w actually do me harm.  You’ve got to be joking, there is no way that I’m going through that.

Therapy is painful and I just need to take the pain that I feel people make me feel on the daily w~o, again, analysing whether there is anything w w them and are they malicious towards me.

Yes; I just need to take the pain, and just keep on taking it.  It’s not too bad now.  I used to have panic attacks bc I felt people were being rude to me; now I don’t even ask myself if w they are doing is rude, I just suffer when I suffer and leave it at that.

I w have to check my metrics in a few days and see if the clicks I have been getting have earned me money and ask myself how much I am likely to make through this, ask myself is this gonna make me any money.

G I wanna be off benefits and making my own money.  As yet I have no clue whether this w be possible and it’s killing me the not knowing.

Idk why my self esteem took such a dive after me posting the ads.  I suppose as when I w that baby and I did or thought anything that w worthy of self esteem I had to gaslight myself as it meant survival.

I need to wait for my self esteem to come back up.  I must not hold that I need to be proved worthy by making money.  I do know that I have worth no matter how much money I am making.

I suppose I gaslit myself when I did something super dope as I always had to do when I w a baby.  I need to recover from the shame of that gaslighting.  G I feel so worthless for believing that this w work; it’s gonna take some getting over.

My feelings w return to happiness in time and I w feel self esteem again like I have value no matter how much money I have, as I did a few days ago; feel peace w~i my self; and tell myself that wherever I am in all this I deserve to love myself and value myself.

It’s a lovely feeling.

I felt worthy pretty much since taking two doses of Curcumin every day.  I honestly felt like I w a pretty dope person.

I don’t need sex either to feel value for myself, as I don’t need money.  I don’t  need anything to feel self esteem except the self esteem itself.

I think people miss this point a lot that self esteem is the only reason to feel self esteem; that money nor sex nor anything w bring it other than just having it.

You got rich people following money, the people w vision chasing it for self esteem.  I suppose there are a lot of things people chase in an attempt to feel it.

I’m just rly dealing w my childhood trauma in order to feel it more fully; like I say, cutting through all that thought to get to feeling.

To Feeling

Kirsty