Hey

I kinda got angry at Google.  I don’t wanna say why, tho I feel narcissism is a theme that runs through that company.

I feel frustrated bc my cost per click hasn’t gone down yet.  It hurts emotionally, the uncertainty that it will.  Ik it will tho bc I’ve run a campaign before.

I feel like I’m being ripped off; and it hurts.  Tho I must just get over it, what else am I gonna do.

I suppose it’s like when someone says something that hurts.  I just tell myself that they don’t mean to diss me like that and just move on.

I’ve felt a little ill today.  I had to take some aspirin and have a barista coffee.  I thought that I w need alcohol too tho this didn’t happen; I’ve just been drinking a lot of tea.

This has been happening to me a lot and I feel guilty for taking the aspirin.

I have been enjoying not thinking.  It has taken me to a different plain of existence; something much younger.

I noticed this when I w watching I Woke Up A Vampire.  I w able to see it an understand it the way it w intended.

This w super nice and validated that this w super healthy for me.

My mind has this problem of analysing stuff, analysing everything; and it hurts to be doing this all the time.  It short circuits my empathy w is not good; and like I say it prevented me from taking in the program.  I only got it fully when I stopped.

I had a lovely conversation w the girl on customer services for my merchant.  She w super nice and I vowed, when pi off at Google to carry on no matter what bc I just felt hella loyalty for the company.

I’m sure my cpc will go down to 2p.  I just feel so grateful to be running this business; and the self esteem that comes w it.

The self esteem is just like a feeling that this w work.  She told me that when trying something new it always feels daunting; tho things w be totally okay.

This put me at ease totally and I just feel that Ima stick w it until things are like she said, working out.

It’s hard for me w my schizophrenia as I imagine that it is hard for everyone.  Idk how true this is; Idk how people struggle with other peoples’ behaviour.

I think everyone is just trying to cope w being around everyone; Idk.

Not thinking helps.  It literally prevents me from having an anxiety attack.  I suppose my mind is rly not my friend; that is why I am trying my best to curb it.

I w scared to feel my feelings about Google.  I got a little angry and thought that it w give me an anxiety attack and that I w be sorry, tho it didn’t.

Normally when I get angry I just can’t calm down and it does on for like a whole day.

I didn’t want that.  I needed my thoughts to stop as Ik that this is the healthiest thing for me.  I just felt guilty for if I couldn’t stop thinking

The girl at Ferry Meadows w super nice to me as well.  She… just in a millisecond I felt totally okay in myself, it w amazing.

I had my coffee and felt good.  It did the trick as I said, I w feeling a bit off.

I went to do my washing; and now I am back.

I’m getting kinda bored w YouTube; and most things that are on Netflix.  I rly need to take more interest in them, tho I struggle like f.

It makes me happy tho that Ima enjoy them the way that they are intended.

Ik that young people don’t analyse things the way I do and this makes me feel good that I am learning how to be more youthful.

I honestly believe that stressing makes people older.  It shortens the tellemers of the DNA, w means that cells turn into zombie cells sooner.  It means that cells age faster.

I want to slow this down; and manage this bc trying to get my stress down; the stress that I am causing myself.

My eyes are getting better; I think the Carnosine that I am taking is helping.  It is supposed to make the cornea more supple; w w means that it is able to focus far away w is my problem.

I hope that by curbing my thoughts I w be able to handle being around people.

I suppose one option is to be around people more; Ik that the clubs I have been doing have allowed me to be more chill around people and have less anxiety attacks.

Ik that should I be around people loads I w just get numb to anxiety around them and it w do me a lot of good.

I went to the Doctors and I w super stressed just being there; tho when I went in to see the nurse she w so nice to me that I felt rly good.

I told her about the business; and that it w be fully live in about a week.  She w so excited for me that it made me feel like I w leaping for joy.

To be real, the conversations I am having w people are making me feel this way.

I want less medication; as Ik that it is actually the medication that is causing me my anxiety attacks.

When I came off my anxiety medication, ironically, I suddenly stopped having anxiety attacks.  The name of the medication is Buspirone; please watch out for that one.

Another reason why I want to be around people more is how they make me feel inside.  I never felt this before, people making me feel like this.  I was abused all my life bc someone I feel has ASBD and the emotional abuse had me just in a state where I felt dead inside.

This is the first time that I felt real life w loving talking to people; rly feeling joy at the words that they say.  It w beautiful.  Sad that this is the first time.

Again owing it all to not analysing everything.  It shut down my ability to do this.  I guess I’m not autistic as I rly k that I feel all my feelings.

To People

Kirsty