Hey

I got to thinking; all the like uncertainty and anger at Google; I w have felt all that regardless of whether the business makes money or not.  It’s just a thing that someone starting a business goes through and is totally normal.

I kinda thought that these feelings meant that the business w fail.  I wasn’t expecting it and that’s how it hit me.  Today I have reframed it.

I think the scariest thing for me is if the business actually makes money.  I w then have to keep finding new offer and keep things going.  It w be a huge change for me and may mean that I have to figure out how Ima deal.

I wanted to keep busy today.  It’s a lovely day and I wanted to go for a walk.  I also wanted to write my blog.

I have a few puffs on my vape when I do it bc I feel this helps me to write better.

I am so grateful for the people in my life who are from the groups that I fw.  It is their energy that has helped me to feel that I can do this.

It’s just like the girl at Ferry Meadows yesterday; like one second into talking to her my mood just hit the sky and I felt so loved.  It w amazing.

It’s being around people; people who just have such a nice energy, empathy.  It’s totally new to me and they just lift me up like f; and I’m so grateful for that, for them.

I see that people are like the air that I breathe; I can f w~o them.

And it’s a whole new experience just breathing in that empathy and kinda basking in it to be fair; it’s like sunlight.

I get why people say that you are only as good as the five best people you fw.

This w meant from a point of view of like people who just believe in you and don’t gaslight your dreams, yk; tho I see it another way.

It takes empathy from other people to feel that w~i myself; and from empathy comes self esteem.  W these guys it’s not about feeling supported in my attempts to make money.  They dec that I have a business, they don’t talk about it.  I’ll give them that they don’t gaslight it tho it’s not the kinda safe space where I’m open to revel in what I’m doing there.

It’s more like their empathy just allows me to feel self esteem.  It’s such a joy being around them as it gives me that self belief to just trust myself and what I’m doing.  Like I say they lift me up.

I have noticed this about people everywhere; they are all lifting me up.  I guess they treat me how I treat them.  I suppose that I am lifting them up too.  Maybe that experience at Ferry Meadows w a two way thing and we just gave each other that lift.

This is all down to, like I have been writing about, my shutting down of my analytical mind and just allowing myself to feel my empathy instead; and I have noticed that w I think about things and people doesn’t matter, it’s how I feel.

The truth comes from how I feel.  When someone looks at me I can’t think whether they are staring; I have to feel in my feelings what their intentions are.  Logic doesn’t tell me that, and that is something that I have learned.

I feel this w one way that my thoughts were shutting down my empathy and dulling the f out of my feelings and this is why I’m having so much joy from just being around people.

Everyone is a winner who has their feelings, everyone who has empathy.  No matter what they are doing in life they are successful; bc success is a feeling.  It is loving life and loving people and being glad to be here.

Feelings rly are the reason to be alive.  I have learned this from having none at all and can compare the two.  At my most agony and feeling scared that I didn’t want to live coincided w me feeling the least.

It is all down to feelings; and those feelings come from empathy.  It is the things that makes people happy in their lives and is the only thing in life that is worth going after or chasing.

People go after all kinds of things like money and sex tho nothing compares to feelings; not to mention power and grandiosity of a narcissist.

All empty w~o feeling; and in and of themselves empty, period.

This is where I w supposed to be all my life and I thank J’s commandments for giving me feeling.

Emotional abuse had robbed me of every ounce of feeling; and as I described above I w suffering like f.  Also I had never experienced full empathy since I w born and now I do and it is just delightful that I have gained it.

There is so much to be said for just feeling this way.  It is worth going after.  I w recommend following J’s commandments to gain feelings back, it has worked for me like gangbusters.

J’s commandments through the teaching of humility allow for a person to see that they can trust people and that people have that light inside and do right as much as they can.

They allow that to come through and for me to see people as they are just rly through trusting them a little more and more every day

I w say tho that it takes a super long time for that life to well up in a person.  I feel that the mind has to actually repair itself to the point where it is possible to feel.

For this reason I w say that it is better to start practicing them sooner rather than later; so that that damage in the mind has not had the time to take root.

It’s just easier at the start to keep that life energy flowing.

I honestly feel moved at how much J’s commandments have helped me and just want to share it and than J; if you’re out there somewhere you have helped me feel again.

To Feeling

Kirsty