Hey

Idk what to say; I’m changing every day; I feel different.

I love the summer.  I wasn’t very well today tho I am feeling better now.  I’m starting to realise that everyone doesn’t hate me.  I guess that’s the shame talking, or lack of it.

It’s hard to accept that I felt so bad about myself, completely worthless.  It took years to see that I have value; or even that I don’t need any value to be valuable if you see what I mean.

I should have always felt like I w, Idk… like I should never have felt so much shame.  I have felt shame all my life.

When I w a kid I always thought that certain people were better than me.  As an adult I felt like I w always the most worthless person in the room.

I remember being sat on a bus about two weeks after taking a break from my abuser.  I looked around and saw that I w equal in value to all the people on that bus.

It w a total revelation, and something that I w always remember.

This is hard for me to go over tho I kept telling myself that the environment I had come from must have been narcissistic as I had for the first time in my life seen that I… that I was just the same as everyone else.

It still stayed w me tho for years, always thinking that people were better than me; always needing to feel grandiose to feel equal to others.

The business did that for me for a long time, allowed me to feel equal by feeling grandiose.  I loved it, it w kinda like self esteem.

I only thought I w have value when I had money, and looked forward to it so much; it w w kept me going, it w my North Star.

Recently tho I have realised that I have value rn, just as I am; w no money, w none of the attributes that make narcissists feel superior.

I am just me and that is enough; it is more than enough.  I feel good self esteem and feel like I am just good enough.

I no longer need the money from the business; oh I want it tho I don’t need it.

I remember when I w a kid; and I romanticised w it w be like to have a trade and be successful.  I w watch programs like Home Improvement, and home improvement stuff in Discovery.

I wanted to work on houses and make them the nicest ever.

I soon lost my way though when I lost my job.  I went straight to rock bottom and stayed there all my life, w~o the self esteem that it took to get back up.

Eventually I found employment and went to college.

I still though had no self esteem and k that I w never be a Chemist bc I just didn’t have the ability.  W I w lacking w the self esteem needed.

I still felt worthless.  That only changed when I left my abuser, several years later.  I spend all of those years dying inside from the feeling that I w the problem; keeping me feeling worthless for ‘being so nasty’.

The shame w strong w~i me and I found it impossible to see I had been abused.  It took years to shake off.

Nowadays is a far cry from all that.  Ik that I have the right to love myself; and that no one has the right to take that away from me.  It’s a whole new world of empathy.

I see how people respect each other, how they care so much about how others feel.  It’s quite profound the juxtaposition of then and now.  I’ll never stop loving it.

It’s so nice to be around people bc of that empathy that they have; it means so much.

I asked my old tutor to please help me.  I needed saving.  My ads were too expensive and I just felt like giving up.

He said sure, and asked for my Google Ads account number.  It meant a lot.

I am now waiting for him to get back to me.

This is one of the joys of having empathy, being able to go to people for help.  I kinda feel like everyone has got me; that should I fall they w pick me up; as I am doing the right thing by trying to make this work, and that it is risky.   In good conscience I have no choice but to try.

I now love the world so much; it is full of people who care.  I also dislike the world a great deal as I feel that I don’t fit in.

I need to get back to the way I felt as a kid, and need J’s commandments to do this.  I hope that Ima feel like I fit in as maybe the problem does not lie w them it lies w~i me, like something is missing.

All the self esteem I have and I don’t feel that anyone w want to k me personally; tho I am getting there.

I have lost my mom and have no friends from back in the day.

I suppose all adults feel this way and I just want to feel like kid again.

I had friends I could go to and hand out with; it w nice.  I long for a real connection; and Ik it w come.

The hard thing is that recovery takes so much time; it seems to never end.

The problem is that all the clubs I go to are for older people and we are not a good match.  I need that youth energy; I rly vibe w it.

If I can’t get it outside of myself then I must manufacture it w~i.  I must become what I want to attract as they say.

It’s good that I am tidying my home as this w allow me to attract same.

Ik that this saying is true.  It seems to take so much time and I long for someone w rly gets me.

I must give myself time, a long time and admit that I w be on my own for a long time.

This is okay bc I rly love the people I am fw.  They give me so much self esteem.  They rly allow me to feel that I am super worthy.  A long way from those who used to make me feel less than.

I no longer allow myself to feel the pain of it taking too long.  I w just enjoy the life I have until it becomes real.  I have hope; and I look forward to it greatly.

Things w get better; that’s something that I w denied all my life, the feeling that things get better.  I w out of hope and in so much pain.  Now it’s the complete opposite.

So with that hope I just k that things w be super dope soon enough.  I just need to be surrounded by people who rly get me.

To Waiting With Hope

Kirsty