Hey

I feel my feelings coming back more and more.

For the last week I have felt that my self esteem is tied up in the business, and that it failing w mean that I had no value.  This is not true.

I am still heading towards health; and as my trip to the hospital taught me, I am healthier than most people.

Ik I w learn how to deal with people.  I feel like a little child who gets so upset all the time; and I feel that I need to develop emotionally before Ima handle being round people.  I feel that it is this emotional immaturity that is causing my schizophrenia.

Tho I’m back to having self esteem.  I have also been ill, an illness I feel caused by the business and all that Google Ads fiasco; tho all I want in the world is to put that behind me.

I must embrace this realisation that my self esteem is not defined by the business.

In the hospital I tried to not act like a doctor.  It w somewhat upsetting to feel that I wasn’t at that social level or that there w a demographic of people that I felt w not my people; it w a hard thing to do; tho once I had accepted it I w okay.

I have seen people who have done well in life not identifying as posh and Ik that Ima do it as well.  It’s hard choosing a class bc it means being excluded from one I feel.

I w just enraged at the exclusion of people from the phone service; tho when I got to the hospital I found that there were plenty of nice people there and it put me at ease.

Certain systems of excluding people rly make me mad and it feels like the whole organisation is not even human; tho I w lucky to go there and find that this is not true.

I had to.  I couldn’t deal w being on the phone for forty minutes and the indignation of how they dare to expect me to go through that just to find out my appointment time.  I feel this system w concocted by someone w an absolute lack of empathy.

Idk what the next move is for me.  I want to be more of a part of society, tho my immaturity makes that super difficult; and on the other hand it is something I never want to lose and become calloused.

It’s scary to become part of the world bc I feel it w mean having to be cold and be mean to people.  I never want this to be the case, w is w I w like to go into customer service.

The customer is always right and it is an environment where I c always do my best for the customer.  If I could not it w mean that I w working at the wrong company and should leave.

That w always allow me to hold onto and maintain my humanity; something that is super duper important to me.

I feel work is too stressful at the moment as to be real about it I just find being around people too hard.  I have my groups that I attend and rly feel to the bone that Ima take it slow.

Especially after being ill all week.  I remember when I couldn’t even attend a group of any kind by it just exhausted me too much; and I must be careful.

I have the joy of experiencing myself grow and become more confident in these situations and rly look forward to it.

Tho as I always say the most pain comes from expecting things to change overnight.  I must be cool w the level of social interaction that I have, and just make my life about making the right decisions and just doing the best I can w the situation I have; for the meantime.

Tho the desire to grow burns w~i me and I just love that I am becoming more sociable.

I just feel volatile feelings inside towards people and must let these settle down.

The groups I go to allow me to practice this.  I get used to being around them and suppressing the violent feelings I have sometimes that used to give me panic attacks at how I c have such impulse feelings.

I w feel the worst human being alive and just feel like I w the most horrid person available.  It’s making me cry to remember those feelings, tho they do come back and it’s hard.

Tho on the upside being around people allows me to suppress them and learn how to f.

I love this so much as experiencing these feeling becoming weaker and more manageable is super rewarding.

There’s just too much going on inside me to be around people too much.  I’m scared that these feelings w show on one occasion; and I w be outed as horrid.

I don’t want to push too hard.  I’m scared of people seeing w is w~i me; and then shutting me out.

Tho I am learning.  I used to have caffeine and this w make this feelings come and I w be struggling hard to keep it together.  Like I say, feeling these things w give me anxiety attacks; and then I w be thinking that people w not want to be around me bc I w not myself.

It hurts to have an anxiety attack and I am scared of people thinking that I am just miserable and giving up on me.

Tho when I have coffee, things are getting better and I am having a better time.

I just want to open up tho the feelings inside keep me away.  Like I say I must take it slow.  I must stretch my ability to be around people w~o breaking.  I am very fragile, and can’t take feeling like this has happened.

I don’t want to think about it anymore, it’s super disturbing.

Thank You For Taking A Look Inside My Head

Kirsty