Hey

I had a beer down Ferry Meadows.  It w nice.  The sun w shining and there were lots of people down there.

I realised that no one is judging me.  This w a huge revelation for me.  Like why am I judging people when they are not judging me.

I felt bad for a minute.

And then I realised that J says do not throw your pearls to swine; so I suppose that it is important to practice judging so that Ima spot dangerous people.

I felt my lunch till later.  I did the same yesterday.  I heard that healthy people often forget to eat and I thought well why don’t I leave my lunch till I get back bc that’s when I w have it if I forgot.

I then have my tea later, right up in the evening.

I spotted people who I thought were rly nice people, and I thought, well why am I judging them, I’m thinking that they are better than other people.

I got confused.  I didn’t know how to feel.

And then I got to thinking about Elephant Park.  Like it’s been so long that I have kinda told myself that I’m not one of those people; and that being in this town w the friends that I have is making me an anti snob; and that I w lose my chance to live there is I stay here much longer; bc they w look down on me in return, and I don’t want that.

I need reminding that Ima handle being there and all round the tube, and love it so much and rly want to live there.  G I love that place so much; and like I say, it feels like I’m losing it.

I need to go to tell myself how much I like it.

I wanted to go two days ago, tho it w for the wrong reasons.  It w bc I needed to feel that confidence that Ima make it from a whole city of people who have.  I just wanna go somewhere that I love, and romanticise about living there.

And then there’s psychology.  It says for me to feel my feelings tho I just have an anxiety attack when I feel them, when I think bad thoughts about people; it ruins my mood and makes me rly dislike them so much, and the whole town that I live in.

Could psychology be wrong.

It’s also wrong in another way.  It says to reevaluate a situation when I feel that someone did or said something rude and disrespectful.  Tho I disagree w this as it makes me feel worse and again, have an anxiety attack.

I long to be somewhere else.  I feel that bc of where I am living, I don’t like the way I look; only when I am at home.  When I am out I look in the mirror and feel super attractive.

This also makes me want to move.  I just want to feel good in my home and blame where I am living for that.

I think I’m trying too hard to respect people who just wouldn’t never in a million years, respect my boundaries; and I just need to move out.

That’s why I judge them; bc I feel threatened w them taking advantage of me.  And like I said at the top; it’s okay to judge people who are a threat.

My trainers got lost in the post; and I’ve saved a bit of money bc of that and should be able to afford to go.

I just want a McPlant meal.  I fancy one and want to treat myself; tho w is the point if I’m not eating it in Walworth McDonalds.

I feel gaslit by the whole town bc I like London better.  When I go I feel that people treat me like sh bc they feel I’m like the other side.

Like this town, all of it, is on the anti snob side; and when I’ve been to London I feel that they are all against me bc all I’m ever thinking is how much I like it there and don’t want to be here.

Psychology says to validate my feelings; and like I say boy I crave going.

I want to be a girl who can do both, dress up and dress down.  Tho I am never dressed down, I always like to look good and make the effort.

I need to go where my heart takes me, wherever that is.

I just feel such a burning need to get out as I feel that my anxiety w be completely gone when I leave.

To Validating Feelings

Kirsty