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I had a blast on a CBD dooby last night.  It w a rl ripper of a toke; I had two.

I felt bad, like rly bad.  Akin to yesterday when London w sooo rubbish, and then when I got back I realised that I had done a super dope thing by going… the next day, today, I felt better in myself than usual.

Getting my scooter fixed w be a breeze.  Ima get the rear brake light, and have it fitted and it won’t cost that much.

I rang the shop and he said it w be a rly simple thing to whack it in.

My Google Ads got cancelled and they said that I had done it so I need their help to get it back up.  I sent an email to them and they mostly get back to people w~i 24 hours.

I got some fruit from ALDI.  It w super cheap, like £1.89.  I’m super happy w this as it is a big expense for me as I buy a lot of fruit.  It saves me about £30 a month.

I need to do my taxes.  I want to just run the business and hit that first offer, tho I need to just stop w I’m doing and get down to it.  I suppose Ima have to pause the campaign.

I w angry

I felt that everyone w baking my biscuit.  I w pi off bc I had to repeat w I said when getting help from the scooter manufacturer.

Then three people were super nice to me and let me out when I passed and I just wasn’t angry anymore, I just had all this cortisol going round my head; w is pretty much gone now.

And I realised.

Cortisol is the nastiest substance in nature.  It is far worse than any drug.

I remember suffering bc of very high levels of it; and I just look back with huge compassion on myself.

It’s been lonely for the last week actually; bc there have been less groups than usual; and I don’t get to go to one till Saturday.

Tho being at home has been super nice, bc of the place being tidy.  I just feel like I don’t want to go anywhere.  Which is a turnaround bc… I used to always feel like I needed to get the hell out and would just leave as early as possible.

I feel quite competent in business, bc of how many problems I have had to solve.  And I feel this is where my self esteem is coming from, regardless of that I haven’t made any money yet.

And I realise that all this work rly sets me up duper well, for getting to my goal, bc it has taught me that I totally can get there; bc of how many years I have been doing it, and that means that Ik I won’t ever give up and that I got this.

I feel like stew tonight, tho I’ll need a little bite to keep me going.  Stew takes like two hours to cook.

Ima totally get my Nike Alpha Fly 3, w is super nice; I like to always look put together; and a nice pair of trainers can rly pop the look.

I saw people in London and it w their trainers that rly made things work; it pulls the whole outfit together; especially the fact that it is a statement about dogma and that shoes are uncool, in a professional person.

The way I budget is to not buy something unless absolutely necessary.  So I w put off buying a washing machine and sofa until I rly need to.

I saved myself a lot by not shopping for three days and pretty much paid for my trip to London.

I realise that I am a person who can’t deal unless their place is completely tidy; so I’m super happy that I have the girl from my housing association to come round and help me get there.

There’s still a lot of work in all the other rooms, and Idek how I w feel when the whole place it good tho Ik that it w feel amazing; and maybe even stop me from getting so angry w people, feeling that they are being oafish to me when I am angry about something.

I feel like I’m doing life quite well; and it’s super addictive making all the right choices.  I just want to be a good girl, yk.  Life gets rly good when I just make sure that I’m doing my best; and I’m so proud of myself for it.

I never had a carer to say to me that they were super proud of me and that I w rly smashing it out the park yk, tho Ima say it to myself.  I just wish my abuser w love me for it, tho I believe very strongly that all I w get w be devaluing out of her feeling threatened by my good choices and life, out of fear of not being able to manipulate me any longer.  It’s so sad.

Tho Ima still make good choices w~o that support.  It’s a shame bc the friends I fw just aren’t invested in me enough to give me that support so the only one I have to say well done is me.

To Soothing Myself

Kirsty