Hey

I had a good day today.

I decided to feel my feelings; and that led to me feeling that my poor memory w bc my mom had smothered me and repeatedly done it every time I remembered her doing it; until my memory w completely corrupted, for life.

I had to ring Samaritans straight away, it w more than I c keep to myself and the feeling w eating me up.  We had a good chat.  I went through all the struggles I’ve had, all the horrendous feelings, and I told her that they had saved me again and again and again.

I just wished I c share these things w my friends, tho they just don’t wanna know.  I tried once and got gaslit.

I think it’s ironic that my psychiatrist says that I have trouble feeling my feelings when the people in my life are infinitely worse, tho it led to me feeling like I had realised this.

I feel I am doing too much tea and coffee and nicotine.  I rly want to try CBD tho I don’t need any extra rn.

I am starting to realise why I am so messed up, and that it w take a lot before Ima function properly.

I’ve eaten very little today, w is fine.  In fact I love it.  I seem to go a few days and then have a binge.

We talked about how straight away on going no contact that I felt better in myself; feeling okay in the evenings when this w only possible every once in a while that I visited her.

I put on my vision board to feel good in the mornings and eventually this came true.  It took a while bc one of the medications I w taking w making me worse.

Oh, did I mention that the reason I have schizophrenia is bc they medicated me when there w nothing w w me.

J’s commandments have helped me to heal.  At some point I just committed to getting better.  It rly w right at the start.  I just had this faith that they w sort me out.

It w painful bc I w get triggered all the time by people on the bus I felt were being rude.  I’d get people shooting their hand to their head over and over and over until I ripped wide open.

It w so painful bc if they k what they were doing they w not be doing it.  W w I to do; w I to tell them that it w ripping me open.  I didn’t have the heart to say it.  I just got ripped open every time I got on a bus.

Tho I had the faith that eventually I w learn to deal w it.  Idek if this has happened yet.  I don’t rly go on the busses anymore for that reason.

This hurt, that people who had the problem were getting one over on me in such a horrendous way.  I w write about it how I felt that this town w just an bad place for people to be okay w acting this way.

When I went down to London, I found that no one w doing it and this made it rly hard.

Then people started staring at me and I feel that this eventually led to a relapse.  I w just in so much pain that people were ripping me open up to several times a day.

As I said, the medication I w taking played a big role in this.  It is called Buspirone.  I w recommend anyone to be careful w it.

I had my beer down Ferry Meadows and felt good, walking round the lake.  I w looking forward to getting home and having some beans on toast.

I felt like nobody, I felt like nothing.  I felt like I w at the absolute bottom rung of the ladder.  I had been running the business for so long and felt like I rly was someone; and now I just feel like nothing.

This w making me realise that not all feelings are pleasant, some just feel bad, Idk.  Tho feelings are feeling and it is best to feel them.

I think I w feeling that way bc my business is about to take off.  Whenever I’m about to do something I always feel that it’s not gonna work.  I feel, probably bc the first time I tried to be heard I got smothered.  After that I suppose I always thought that my needs w never be met, ever.

And this carried on all my life, a bit like a pathological narcissist.  It still is my first reaction.

I am trying to get the business to work proper rn, running ads, and I feel that is why this is happening in anticipation of my needs not being met.

It’s a good thing that I feel this way.  It should help when things go wrong, like I wasn’t expecting anything good to happen anyway; tho the fact that I am feeling this way means that it probably will.

I want so badly for making money to catalyse me meeting someone; someone who actually validates the things that I say.

I do wonder if in this town there is nobody like that living here.  I have heard people naming how people are nasty and this gives me hope, tho Idk.

I did talk to someone at the housing association who validated me and also the girl who comes to help me tidy up, so there is hope.  It’s just the older people I fw I don’t think it is their generation who do this.

I need younger people, people who validate.  I feel like I’m drowning not being heard.

To Validation

Kirsty