Hey

I bought myself some Ginger.  I am  trying to stimulate my hedgehog pathway.

I have bowling this morning w is nice.  I go in an hour early bc it’s half term.  I’m no good tho I just go to enjoy myself.

I spoke to a girl at the Samaritans yesterday.  I felt like I w gonna die afterwards, this is bc I had felt my feelings and spoke them.

I suppose I must get used to this.  I think that is why I am having these feelings is bc of getting in touch with my feelings.

I am up for the hour of the hunt, and it feels good to be up at this time of the morning.  I have a smoke at this time.

I’m scared to smoke my CBD doob, I feel that it is too much drugs in one day.  I’ve somehow got to get the amount of caffeine that I am doing down so that Ima partake.  I have lowered the amount of nicotine that I am doing every day to every half hour.

I keep getting these headaches that make me do more and it is a cycle that I want to get out of.

I think I w getting every cold and flu that w going this winter and this w making me take paracetamol quite a lot.

I feel that feeling my feelings is against G’s commandments, bc it is like judging people.  It’s having negative thoughts about people, rly leaning into what pi me off about them.

The good thing is is that I get proved wrong and then I calm down and it feels good.  Could feeling my feelings even make me judge less.

I must remember how much it has helped me.  I only started feeling proper self esteem after feeling my feelings, just before all this good weather started.

I remember feeling that people were trying to keep me down.  I had been abused all my life by someone w ASBD; and I felt that everyone in the street w trying to carry on the abuse and keep me from feeling my feelings by staring at me.  They w also keep shooting their hand to their head over and over and over on the bus and this used to rip me up.  It w horrendous and I still don’t go on the bus.

I feel it’s a narcissistic town w so many people w ridiculously low self esteem.  I feel this made it hard to feel my feelings bc I felt they were all against me.  This town has been dubbed the worst place to live in the UK and to me it rly felt like it.  I even felt that all that caused me to have a relapse.

I wonder if the fact that I don’t like people staring at me comes from if my mom used to stare at me when I was newborn.  I felt she suffocated me and she even referred to it as wrapping me.  I feel that she used to stare at me after wrapping me to see if I felt my feelings, under threat of  her doing it again if I showed any sign of emotion.

I don’t like people staring at me and w tell them, I don’t like being stared at please.  It w ruin my day every time I got stared at.  It w a regular thing that my day w be completely ruined.

I felt that men were out of order and that they were abusing women by staring at them.  They are bigger than we are and it has become socially acceptable for them to stare at us and they don’t realise, I feel, that they only get away with it bc of their size, that we just aren’t big enough to tell them to not do it or else.

That rly is what hurt so much that they were ruining our day.  It felt so cruel and I felt like I w standing up for all women when I asked them not to stare at me, and I’m happy to still do it, even tho it doesn’t bother me so much anymore.

I have just gotten used to abusive behaviour, that’s all and it doesn’t bother me so much.  Why must a woman tolerate this.  It feels like they are doing it to keep us at a lesser place in society.

I feel this strongly, that men only treated women so badly for the whole of human history bc they were smaller and they could get away w it.

J stood up for women.  He said that they devour widows houses, and for show make lengthy prayers and w be punished most severely.

It refers to men taking widows houses off of them when their husband died.  If they could have smacked em one I don’t think they would have been so keen.

I feel that’s the kinda vibe I am dealing with w men who feel they have the right to stare at me.  Unfortunately it’s something that I’ve just had to get used to.

The sad thing is is that women do it as well, they are literally stupid enough to perpetuate men’s abuse of us.  Idk which is worse.

I believe that the dogma about women stems back from when neanderthals met homo sapiens and they just used to treat them like sh bc of being smaller.

That’s what I don’t like about dogma.  It stems back to the year dot.  It is evil bc it perpetuates primordial bull sh.

Against Dogma

Kirsty