Hey

I ordered a washing machine.  It coming on Wed.

I had a weird day.

This girl in the toilets said, disgusting, he shouldn’t be in here.

It got me to thinking about the shame that I feel all the time.  Like it’s rly not right of me to think that I’m disgusting, bc I’m about as far from that as possible.

And I also kinda escaped from the feeling that… that, everyone… that it’s like a conspiracy and when I’m upset everyone bands together to f me up, yk.

And like I felt that someone has said something tho cortisol didn’t flood my mind; I w okay.  And this w a total first for me; and I w telling myself that she w saying it about someone else, w they always are.

I felt that everything had changed for me; have I become hot, Idk.

She w gorgeous btw.  Like never have I felt insulted by someone so attractive.  She w so kind as well, saying it in like a soft voice.  Something didn’t ad up and it just didn’t bother me.

I’ve been up all night; and just stayed up to write my blog.

I walked round the lake and I couldn’t believe it, I w okay.  It w the most bizarre thing ever.  Could my mind have stopped flooding w cortisol every time I w stressed.

I w drinking hella coke as well and I thought, oh boy, this is gonna rip me the f up; tho it didn’t.

Idk what the f w going on, like this w crazy.  How w I not hurt.

Like getting ripped up by every fool doing rude sh, or so it feels, is my daily.  If this changes then I w be… well my quality of life w actually be okay; and I see my psychiatrist taking me off the medication pretty soon.

Ik that my relapse w caused by stress and not schizophrenia.  I had a whole slew of f up sh happen to me at the time.

I w so scared that he w lock me up for good and say like you keep having relapses and give me hella medication, yk.  I didn’t see this one coming.  As always I thought something w come along to f me up.  Quite the opposite has happened tho; and there is no denying that my situation is improving.

Could this all be bc of me feeling all of my feelings, yk.

I’ve got to keep talking trash about people to myself.  That is all I w doing.  Like that w the problem that I had, that I couldn’t feel that anyone w in the wrong and that I had to put the blame for everything on me and that meant that I c have no boundaries bc how c I when I felt I w always the one in the wrong.

I feel that this w causing me so much stress; as it w not being able to say no to anyone.

Saying no to a narcissist is the golden way to make them f off.  The just won’t want to know after hearing the n word.  They disappear is a puff of smoke; never to be seen again.

How w I survive not feeling that everyone has it out for me.  And how bizarre how this came about; from the thing being said that I always dreaded, that I thought w destroy me, that I always expected to hear it, bc I felt I rly was disgusting; and to have this feeling leave me after hearing exactly that.

There is too much weird sh all around this, the irony blows my mind.

Again, could I rly be free from thinking that people are being mean as sh to me; staring at me, f me up by shooting their hand to their head over and over until I snap.

This won’t change.  It is best that I accept this, or next time I get upset by feeling someone is rude it w totally destroy me to have felt like, again, that I am getting nowhere and that my recovery is a lie.

The triggers w continue; that is one thing that Ik for sure.  Healing takes years tho Ik that I have turned a corner and there is no getting away from it.

I just… it w so crazy.  I thought I w brain damaged and that cortisol w always rush into my mind; and that I w never see that change.  Now I’m asking myself could there be an end to this.  W the f is going on w me.

And how c I not be hot, on hearing something like that and thinking kk.

Like I say I no longer feel myself disgusting.  I feel that w w w making me feel unattractive.  Now there is no reason to feel that way, also, like I say, not believing in the conspiracy of hate towards me.

How am I a get by w~o feeling hideous af, Idek.

Again, these feelings won’t go away overnight; and to think they w w cause me exquisite pain.  I must accept that it w go on and on, me feeling ugly, from the inside.  Tho Ik that slowly this feeling w go away.

I have always felt ugly, all my life.  Idk how Ima exist w~o.

Like I say; luckily it w take hella long time to change, it’s just on its way out is all.  There is hope.  I feel it w the one feeling that w causing all the shame in me.

W all the shame gone, w does that mean.  It means I’m no longer f up.  There is nothing w w anyone w doesn’t feel any shame, there just isn’t.

That’s why I say Ima get my life back.  The schizophrenia w have to be gone.  My psychiatrist enlightened me that it w all caused by my psychology.

Yippee

Kirsty