Hey

I just had my visit from the girl from my housing association.  She is helping me to tidy up my place.

She commended me on doing rly well and doing all the tidying homework that she had set me.

I remembered how heavy it felt when I w not coping.  Another girl from the place w round; and she said that to me and referred me to her.  It w a horrible feeling, and I rly have tidied the place up.

I have noticed something about being on lots of drugs; the antipsychotic and the… just the nicotine and the caffeine, is that it’s too much, I’m on too much; and I rly look forward to having the dose of the antipsychotic reduced.

I must not even ask tho.  I have noticed this when going for help from people and being desperate.  It’s best to not argue in any way or demand anything; and I feel that’s the best way to deal w him and yea, just do that and boy, it should rly work and he just take a risk for me, yk.

That’s what they do, they take a risk for me when I do exactly w they recommend.

I had the meal today w the ladies from the knit and natter.  It w so lovely.  It’s just great being around people.  They have empathy.  This may be like yea, duh, tho this is all new to me and is just not getting old.

I suppose that I need to learn that people rly do feel and that it’s okay for me to feel as well.

I have violent feelings.  I feel they come from being smothered as a baby; and they are hard to deal w, tho gradually they are getting less and less.  I feel it’s me wanting to fight my mother off, yk.

She slipped up once and said, wrap him.  I think that’s what she used to call it; #sick.

it’s hard bc I feel so much shame for feeling these feelings and it make them worse, tho their empathy shows me that I have the right to be here the same as anyone else; and for all Ik everyone has these feelings at times, yk.

I feel so blessed to have the people around me that I have tho I want to have younger people.  I just need that validation.  I want to talk about things that are real to me and not just make small talk, all the time.

I’m so messed up tho.

My washing machine arrives tomorrow and I’ll be able to do washing whenever I like w w be super; and I won’t have to be paying extortionate rates down the laundrette, paying for the fact that no one every goes in there.

There is also the problem that the browser on my phone has stopped working.  it rely on it to do all my business software.  Idk.

I c maybe go down to Apple and try out the iPad mini… and see if it supports the software.  I’ll have to save up for a while, a couple of months.  Maybe the iPad Air is w~i my price range.  I’ll wait to see if they do an update that sorts it out.

I want to tell my psychiatrist how f up I am.  like I feel it w rly help us.  I also want to tell him that it w the medication that gave me schizophrenia.  I am seeing him on the thirtieth.

I just want to be off it so that Ima do CBD instead.  It feels so nice.

I’m so lucky that I’m good at budgeting.  I spend about six quid a day on food.

I want a gossamer thin waterproof from TheNorthFace; tho they haven’t got one atm.  I have bought two in the past.

I have found a couple of places to look for something to do on Thursdays.  it might be good to find another bunch of people.

I kinda felt narrow minded today; and I rly feel that I want to be around people to sort of broaden myself out.

I don’t vibe w reading books.  I’d much rather just learn from people.  I rly struggle w being around people tho.

Maybe like I say, I just need to be around people who are younger.  maybe I won’t find them so hard to be around.

To People

Kirsty