Hey

The guys came, tho they didn’t take away my washing machine.  They said that there w no way to secure it in the van.

So I ordered a bulky waste collection.  My flat is gonna be a lot tidier w all the things gone.

My mood w a bit low; after them not taking the machine; tho a couple of people smiled at me down Ferry Meadows w w nice.  It means that even when I’m not feeling my best, people still appreciate having me around.

I w having negative feelings towards races that are racist.  I had gotten into this bc my psychiatrist wanted me to feel my feelings.  I thought w I w doing w healthy, and it w; tho I just wasn’t okay w it.

I felt like people were judging me.  I felt like I w being thought of as being worthless bc of having no money.

I thought of Idk, people who are wealthy I guess and that they w look down on me; and I came to a realisation.  That it w probably bc I w judging people.

It says in the Bible that, judge and you will be judged, by the exact measure that you use to judge, you will be judged; and I felt that this w w w going on w me.

W bothers me is that wealthy people don’t fw the poor and the poor don’t fw the wealthy; and I just felt that I didn’t want to be shut out of either and that I felt like I w stuck in my class and I w be stuck there for life; and that frightened me.

I want to be whoever I want to be.  I want to be able to move between classes as I please; my authenticity taking me to wherever I would want to be.

So rly it had to go.  I had to stop judging people, and then hopefully they w stop judging me.

Tbh I don’t think people were judging me anyway; tho I thought that if I continued to judge people, then that judgement w eventually lead to me being judged and treated badly.

It’s horrible to feel discriminated against and I just k that I needed to change to stop feeling that way.

Racism is confusing.  Like why should we not think badly of those who are racist towards us.  The answer is that it’s kinda a slippery slope and w lead to us, eventually being racist towards them.

I suppose that not being racist is about knowing how racist some races are towards us and not thinking any less of them for it, kinda.

This w something that I struggled w for some time; like I felt like I w blinding myself to w w going on; that it w ignorant to not be aware of some culture’s racism towards us.

Now, rooted firmly in sanity I get it.  It’s just sanity and w sane people do.  It allows that sane state of mind in, to rly be at peace.

Ik eventually I w get there.  Ik that I w sane when I w younger and that it w return should I continue to follow J’s commandments.

It does actually state that in the Bible, saying that anyone who becomes as a child w enter the kingdom of heaven.

Tbh I kinda feel I’m there.  I think heaven is just when, like I say, having that peace that a child has.

I prefer to call it being a kid.  I just feel like a kid; w is a sane adult.

In Other News

I just bought the Nike AlphaFly 3.

I’m into looking my best and this should rly give me a good feeling when I am out.

Everything has just settled down.  Ever since not judging it all feels right.  It has helped me to feel like way more okay in myself.

I remember when I used to not have a bad thought about anyone.

It’s helped me to not feel scared of people as well.

How c it be that w the psychiatrist told me w wrong.  It felt so good to feel my feelings and I felt like I w getting my feelings back bc of it.

Ik tho that what I have discovered is correct.  To not judge is sanity, it is.

I w scared.  I thought that if I didn’t judge then it w mean that I w autistic like my psychiatrist wondered.

I w in that middle place, not knowing whether to feel my feelings or not; not wanting to go one way and not wanting to go the other.  Scared of being racist and scared of not feeling my feelings.

Like I say tho, this sanity is totally right, it is proper sanity.

I’m glad that I gave it a go.  Idek what made me; it w J’s commandments rly.  I’m so lucky that I did.

I feel that the other road w have led me to being a racist; and like I say, feeling that everyone w just seeing me as being disgusting.

Well, you heard it here first

Kirsty