Hey

I must accept that something might go wrong w the business.  It often does.

I must not be complacent and think that I’ve got it all figured out.

The fact is that Ima afford my food, and my clothes, and that’s rly what’s important; and should the business have a hitch, I w still have those things.

Ngl, I’m close; and that goes to my motivation to continue.

It’s something that I’ve wanted for a long time.  Idk whether it’s the psychopathy of the people I grew up w, I feel; that has made me want like this huge thing in my life when most people are content w like just working and getting paid.  I rly don’t k why I am like this and why I want this.

It’s a good thing I do tho as it is something I can do and that is why I should do it.

There is a rl thrill to it; it kinda feels like pulling off a huge heist.

I have worked towards this for years; and all that ever happened w that my faith in myself just increased and got stronger.  It w super addictive.  The more I believed in myself the more I wanted it; the more I wanted to believe in myself even more.

I’ll be honest.  I only wanted it in the beginning bc I thought that it w fill a massive gaping hole in my level of… I w just in so much emotional pain 24/7 that I thought that it w fix it.

The fact is is that it w J’s commandments that fixed it and now I am wondering why I want it only to think about real goals I now have that w require a lot of money to fulfil, like giving a lot to charity, and the things I want to work on that w require capital.

I’m back to thinking and feeling that I could fw a billionaire and be chill.  I c fw anyone and be chill as long as I felt that they w not use me.

This is down to me canning the judgement.

Yes I w judging people, under the guise of… believing that it w the right thing to do to feel my feelings.  I have learned the error of my ways when I started feeling like I had to pick a class and stick to it and be stuck in it for life.  I w not okay w that

I watched people showing off a super yacht; and I felt like G it w be so nice to just live there; and then I thought well is it right to have that much money.

I struggle w this aspect of J’s commandments.  He says as long as you are generous w the poor, you are clean, tho he also said to a very super rich person to give all he had to the poor and follow him, so I feel there is some confusion.  I need to k where my place is in all this.

All I want is my self esteem and I don’t want anything to damage it.  To me it is everything that life is all about.

I also feel like a teenager, I rly do.  I love all the things like Mermaze Mermaids and Malibu Rescue and Wednesday and all the stuff like that and absolutely do not feel my age.

I revel in the psychology of the gen z or gen x, and just have learned that the past goes into the bin for a reason; as soon as it has passed it has to be thrown in the bin and forgotten.

I remember the eighties.  Like today they were dope af in the moment tho they are just rubbish in the bin, sadly like today w be in a few decades.

Kids today probably think today is the way and it is not and w be gone soon.  They w be older, clinging onto what once was, trying to relive their youth and suffering bc they have not moved on.  Like I say, so sad.

That is why I love contemporary psychology, bc it has that freshness of a brand new era.

I feel alone, needing younger people to fw as this time is something that I want to share w someone and not alone.

I feel young and yet am alone in this

I just need to follow J’s commandments and have faith that I w find my way and k what the f I am doing here.

I need my projects bc I am alone and need to feel like I am here for a reason.  The fact is is that I am here to find myself; and when I have done so I w be able to easily pick people to share my time w.

I used to think that it w the rich who were or are my people; and now I feel that it is just people who… Idek who they are, I just know I w find them when I have stuck to J’s commandments for long enough.

What I seek, like I say, is self esteem not riches, tho Ik they w come.  It seems to be my lot in life and I accept it.

I love how all the supportive YouTube videos are saying, am I okay, and making sure that I’m alright and just telling me that everything w be okay.

It’s no longer the time of Jessica Fletcher and everything being f rose coloured glasses.  Now everyone is kinda in pain and wants just to feel alright and k that everything w be okay.

I suppose I rly am a teenager and just share these feelings w all the others.  I love this paradigm.  I love not being okay, and I w suffer it gladly.

We are all suffering and I support everyone in this.

I have been told that I w find my people.  Ik tho that it w take some time.  It makes me feel that I am a traitor to the people I fw atm, tho Ik it is my truth.

W~o it where w I be, cut adrift never to be close to anyone.  Maybe together we can share a sense of hope.

To Hope

Kirsty