Hey

I definitely want to free myself from judgement.

I heard a family playing w their kids next door.  At first I got angry bc they were making a lot of noise and I felt it’s about time they grew up.  Then I realised that I w judging.

This realisation comes quite easy to me, as I feel my other neighbours have ASBD and sociopathy, they are a couple.

I have to not judge them bc I w just lose it if I do, it w rip m up.  I literally have no choice for my own sanity than to not judge them.

I caught this when the family w playing.

And from listening for a little while, I realised that not judging is actually sanity, it is w I w call sanity.

Idk how to explain it.  It is only through not judging that it is possible to rly listen, after all It’s impossible to listen on rejecting w they are saying or doing.

Ik I get triggered bc of my medication w is a problem for sure.  I stopped taking my Buspirone bc I w just getting ripped up all the time.

 I suppose I have to try harder than other people to not judge as my medication means that I get triggered by what people do.  For example like people who talk w their hands w set me off; all that jerky hand movements.

The when not judging I entered reality and w able to listen and found that sanity is when a n’a not judge.

It allowed me to enter another reality, the reality of sanity.  So judgement keeps me out of the reality of sanity.

This had meant being ripped up over and over and over again until I have gotten used to people’s almost rude behaviour, until able to cope w it.

It has taken years to get to a point where Ima handle it, years of being triggered.

For example a kid w bawling and right in my ear and I handled it.  This shows an improvement in my strength, allowing me to enter that reality more.

With everything that I tolerate and allow them to hurt me I enter that reality more and I become more sane.  This being in reality comes from not judging.

And the medication meaning that I can’t tolerate peoples’ behaviour.  This is a super sad thing, it is like the medication w keeping me out of reality, a reality that would paradoxically mean that I didn’t need the medication.

I believe the medication to be evil.  I never had schizophrenia, until they forced me to take the medication.  It is w actually made me ill, and I feel that bc it makes me unable to tolerate peoples’ behaviour bc of getting triggered all the time, it kept me in that illness for over a decade.

Idk what the answer is bc, every time I w reject their medication and come off it, I w have a relapse and end up back in hospital.  They rly did a number on me.

My relapses saw my leg broken and my thigh ripped open and I just feel that they should be reluctant to prescribe that medication in the first place.  As I say, I feel very strongly that it caused my schizophrenia.  For legal reasons I can’t actually say that it did.

It is only through not judging when there is this pain of being given panic attacks through peoples’ behaviour, over and over and over again, that I have been able to heal.  Hard work is not the word.  All the time these medications causing those panic attacks.

It’s a prison, Ima be honest about it and one that is exceedingly hard to escape from, tho I have.

My psychiatrist w tell me that people w usually just let the trigger take them and w not resist it.

It w hard when everything would set me off and it kinda still does.  It made me judge everyone and hate them bc I felt that they were rude; similar to a bitter old person I w suggest.

I guess this made me feel that this played a huge role in people getting old, and that the body actually ages over getting triggered all the time, that this actually drives the ageing process and reduces the length of the telemers that protect the DNA.  And I wondered if judgement actually w w made people old.

J says that if you believe in me you will not taste death.  Could this be through just not ageing bc the telemers never shorten and cells are always able to divide, meaning that there are no zombie cells in the body that seem to cause the look and feel of an older person’s skin and possible cause arthritis and other diseases.

They cause the greying of the hair, through the anthracites that give hair its colour just turn into zombie cells and stop working.  They w never function again and w just perform no function whatsoever and w just cause inflammation in the cells around them.

Could entering this sanity that comes from not judging actually reverse the ageing process.  Could it actually shut down ageing by lengthening the telemers.  That is w I wonder.

It’s hard to imagine me being in true sanity and getting older, just something about the thought of it doesn’t feel right, like the body w be unable to do it.

How c a person who feels totally sane, like a teenager get old, I just doubt it.

To Never Getting Old

Kirsty