Hey

I went to bowling.  I had a good time, even tho I didn’t score well; tho I did get a strike w w good.

I’m just feeling in my body when Ima make a good shot.  Ik when it w happen tho for the most part, like I say, I’m scoring badly.

This doesn’t ruin my game tho.  I promised that I wouldn’t let the bad luck fairy get me.  This means not allowing myself to believe that I’m having bad luck; and getting that bad luck vibe that goes w it.

I thought I w going to hell.  I had drunk a Hell energy drink and heard the people talking outside.  It sounded like they were saying that I had drunk it and w going to hell.  I believed them, it wasn’t nice.

My neighbour gave it to me w w super.  I thought I had ticked him off beyond repair when I had my relapse; tho as soon as I got back out of hospital he asked if I w okay.

I am coping w being around people super well.  I used to get these dehumanisations of them in my head that w make me feel like the worst human being ever; and it stopped me from keeping the thread of what they were saying, w I rly didn’t like.  It’s harder to be anxious when listening to something dope that someone is saying.

I have knit and natter tomorrow.  I rly love it and feel so blessed that I get to go.  I told myself that I needed people who were more my age and more down w contemporary psychology and validating w I say; tho they are the best ever like I say.

The vibe is just so on point and it is so nice to be there.

Idk how the business is going.  Idk whether the keyword w come down in price, my whole business might depend on it.

I might have to gun for another offer.  Tho I must let this one run.  The worst thing in business is skipping from one offer to another and never sticking w one.

This is hard bc Idk whether the offer w make money.  W affiliate marketing some do and most don’t.  It’s so tempting to just dump it for another one tho Idk whether it is making money and won’t do until it has been running for a while.

I tell myself that my self esteem is not linked to the offers and that they come from J’s commandments.

It’s a slow process of gradually increasing my self esteem through following them and the business working more and more to be blunt bc of that self esteem.

I need to let go of whether the offer w work.  Idrk either way.  I’m totally unbothered whether it makes money.

My self esteem goes up month by month and I must not get greedy for self esteem.  J gives me more self esteem when I deserve it and not before and Ima not demand more bc of the business.

Only a snob thinks that they are better than other people bc of what they do for a living.

I must shake free of the narcissism that I feel is of my upbringing.  I must not want to be grandiose and feel that I only have value if I am running successfully a hoity toity business.

The feeling that I have value doesn’t come from that.  It comes from things like watching School Of Hard Knocks and seeing him interview these millionaires and billionaires, and just feel that they are just normal people and I c totally hang out w them.

I don’t feel I am like normal people.  I saw girls screaming at Ariana Grande.  I don’t think I w do that.  I realise that she is just a normal person just like you and me.

I secretly want to fw super duper rich people, Idk why.  Maybe this is why I want the business to work.  I want to feel that I am in the same league as them.

There used to be these posts on Tumblr, I wonder if you remember them, w the USWNT showing that they could do both; dress like dynamite and just kick it Nike.

This is who I want to be.  I want to be able to fw anyone I like.

I’m scared that I w be locked up in some billionaires row penthouse, unable to fw my n’as.

I noticed that the super rich are no safer than anyone else in a big house or apartment.  I may as well just be living in a bungalow down the village if I have billions.

No one needs to k the money I have.  No flash car no flash house just me and my balance and all the same friends as always.

I feel that the people I have fw are who have gotten me to where I am.  I’m scared that if I leave them or even just move out of my council flat, I w lose the special sauce that has made me feel that Ima smash it at affiliate marketing.

It’s common for rich people to end up poor again; could this be through dumping all their friends feeling that they are better than them and then like I do, having a relapse.

Every time I have got rid of friends I have had a relapse.  No kidding it has caused schizophrenia every time but one.

I do so many stimulants that I feel like Ima be destroyed by G, tho it helps me write my blog and the business is doing great so Idrc.

I used to be unable to even drink coffee.  I felt like I w be murdered for being a worthless piece of sh.  I thought if I showed, if they saw how nervous I felt they w kill me.

This stemmed I feel from, the narcissistic upbringing I feel I’ve had.  I feel I had my feelings of worth systematically stripped from me as I progressed through my life fw who I feel has ASBD.

The worth I feel is a far cry from feeling like I didn’t even deserve min wage work, tho the feelings that I am utterly worthless frequently come back w avengeance.

To Self Worth

Kirsty